The 2008 Major League Baseball regular season is starting and one legendary figure is sitting at home, still possessingÂ his skill as well as his aura that no team can do without, if they actually want to contend for a World Series. No, it is not that d-bag, Barry Bonds, this man has never been linked to any performance enhancing drugs. He has only ever been guilty of being a bad ass human being. He is Doug Mirabelli. This is old, but always worth posting.
This reference come from dougiesgoingdeep.com
ThreeÂ Days in the Life of Doug Mirabelli
9:00 Shakes off the cobwebs and gets out of bed.
9:01 Lets out a blistering fart and takes 60 second piss on his hands, farts 5 more times.
9:03 Drinks 3 raw eggs Rocky Balboa style and opens the fridge.
9:05 Take out leftovers from the Kowloon pupu platter for 3 he picked up last night.
9:15 Grunts at his wife and gives his kids 20 bucks each to leave him alone.
9:17 Takes a dump.
9:22 Sings Van Halen in the shower.
9:25 Shaves and leaves his goatee.
9:30 Takes 35 vicious cuts with his bat naked in front of the mirror, screams out loud “Dougie is going deep tonight!”
9:45 Puts on his cowboy boots and tight jeans and tank-top and gets ready to leave.
9:50 Grunts at his wife and kids and tells them he’ll see them tomorrow.
9:57 Pulls onto Rt-1 with Led Zeppelin blaring, cuts three people off, gives the finger to all three people.
10:15 Pulls into Fenway Park, tells clubhouse parking attendant to make sure he blocks Nomar in.
10:16 Puts the kid in a headlock and threatens the kid and his family’s life if there is one scratch on his truck.
10:22 Walks into clubhouse and calls Nomar a homo for the first time today and 350th time this month, asks Nomar if he misses his boyfriend Lou Merloni.
10:27 Takes another dump, leaves door open and yells at anyone who walks by.
10:30 Gives Nomar a dead leg and calls him a homo.
10:33 Stuffs Derek Lowe in a locker and pisses on him.
10:37 Goes through a 10 minute hand shake with his boy Tim Wakefield.
10:45 Takes Pokey’s headphones off and steps on them, says until he is hitting .250, no music.
10:50 Francona walks by and Dougie cuts him off and says “Is Dougie DHing the first game?”
10:51 Francona runs and hides behind Schilling.
10:55 Dougie tells Trot if he played 162 Games his numbers would look like this: .375 average, 72 HRs, 52 Doubles, 9 Singles, 6 Walks, 220 K’S.
11:17 Writes back response to fan’s Letter “Hey P**sy, I don’t wear batting gloves because they are for p**sies like your boyfriend Nomar. ”
11:30 Walks out to batting practice with a tank-top on.
11:45 After no stretching steps into the cage, ignores the 5 bunts standard procedure.
11:47 Takes 25 cuts, hits 17 over the monster and misses the other 8.
11:48 Calls the batting practice pitcher a homo and tells him to go bang Nomar for mixing in a curveball after Dougie hit one onto the pike.
11:55 Tackles Nomar and gives him wedgie, calls him a pickle smoker.
12:00 Dougie’s daily order of Double Chicken Parm from Joe Tecci’s arrives.
12:07 Dougie finishes Chicken Parm and pours the rest of his sauce into Nomar’s locker.
12:15 Tito posts lineup, Dougie sees he is not the DH, calls Francona a p**sy. Francona runs behind Schilling.
12:25 Dougie gets naked and takes 25 swings in front of the clubhouse mirror, announcing “Dougie is going deep tonight! ”
12:45 Takes yet another dump, uses Nomar’s $350 silk shirt to wipe his a**.
1:05 Game starts, Dougie tells Francona he is not going to the bullpen to warm up pitchers. Francona hides behind Schilling.
1:25 Dougie announces he is ready to pinch hit in the bottom of the first for Nomar.
1:45 Abe Alvarez comes in, Dougie tells him he sucks and will back at Portland (AA Eastern League) by 7 tonight.
1:55 Dougie’s 4 Fenway Franks arrive, pays with Nomar’s credit card.
2:15 Finishes shopping with Nomarâ€™s credit card, maxed it out at Auto Zone.
2:30 Dozes off.
3:30 Sees they are losing and goes back to the dugout and tells whole team they suck except for him and Wakefield.
3:33 Announces himself ready to pinch hit.
4:30 Sox lose game, Dougie tells Francona he should have DH’ed him, Francona runs away.
5:00 Dougie tells Nomar singles are for p**sies.
5:30 Dougie takes batting practice again, refuses to bunt.
5:33 Dougie hit 22 pitches over the wall 11 fair, 11 foul, all pulled, he missed 15 pitches.
6:00 Dougie seeâ€™s name in lineup, calls Francona a p**sy for batting him 8th. Francona hides behind Schilling.
6:05 Dougie demands to bat cleanup.
6:25 Announces that Dougie is going deep tonight.
6:30 Dinner arrives, 2 steaks from the Capital Grille. Dougie pours steak juice into Nomar’s locker, makes Derek Lowe eat the fat.
6:35 Dougie gives D-Lowe an atomic wedgie.
7:00 Tells Wakefield to show some balls tonight and don’t throw anything in the dirt.
7:10 Scoreless first. Dougie tells Francona it must be the catching.
7:25 Dougie tells fans in on deck circle he is going deep.
7:27 Dougie screams at pitcher, tells him he is a p***y and he is taking him deep.
7:30 Dougie hits bomb off the wall, coasts into second. Almost gets thrown out.
7:31 Tells pitcher his fastball sucks. Tells shortstop and second baseman that he didn’t get all of it.
8:15 Dougie ropes a rocket to third, third baseman takes all day and still turns a double play on Dougie.
8:16 Fans boo Dougie.
8:17 Dougie tells family of 4 to @#%$ off and steals some kid’s hot dog on way to dugout.
8:18 Dougie is tired and is happy he hit into a double play, as he did not want to run the bases anymore.
9:10 Dougie strikes out on inside pitch after crushing 4 foul home runs. Calls pitcher/catcher/ump all p**sies.
9:30 9th inning. Dougie is exhausted. Walks out to the mound and calls Embree a p**sy and tells him to just bring the heat. Dougie wants to get home.
9:50 Dougie showers and walks around the clubhouse naked. Tells the Globe’s Dan Shaughnessy and Gordon Edes to bl*w him.
9:55 Dougie shaves and leaves a goatee.
10:00 Knocks Nomar off his exercise bike. Calls him a homo singles hitter and leaves clubhouse.
10:10 Cuts off 4 Red Sox fans. Gives the bird to everyone near him.
10:25 Arrives at Kowloon Chinese Restaurant on Rt 1.
10:45 Sits down at bar and digs into his pupu platter for 3.
12:00 Stumbles home and parks truck on the front lawn, goes for a dip in his above ground pool.
12:10 Leaves tighty whiteys on his neighborâ€™s windshield.
12:15 Walks into house naked and screams “who saw the bomb I hit tonight???”
12:30 Wakes up the whole neighborhood.
12:45 Takes 35 swings naked and orders porn.
12:55 Pulls out bucket of KFC and gets ready for the movie.
1:15 Dougie passes out on couch.
7:02 am PDT: Awoken at home by phone call from Kevin Towers. Learns he’s traded to Boston. Calls Towers a pickle smoker and tells him San Diego is for pussies anyway.
7:05: Takes 40 naked cuts in front of a mirror.
7:07: Packs a duffel bag with 10 tank tops, 5 pairs of tight jeans, and no underwear. Announces “Dougie’s going commando” to no one in particular.
7:08: Kills it.
7:09: Kills it again.
7:10: Calls Wake, tells him “Dougie’s going deep tonight!” Wake says it’s getting dusty in here. Dougie calls him a pantywaist.
7:15: Takes cologne shower. Uses Stetson.
7:21: Drives to the airport. Uses the shoulder to bypass traffic. Flips the bird to drivers who make faces. Screams “Stay nancy, San Diego!” when someone honks at him.
7:38: Parks Escalade in front of terminal. Flips keys to airport police officer.
7:40: Passes through airport security. Refuses to remove 4″ belt buckle for metal detector. Offers to show TSA his security wand.
7:42: Gets three orders of chicken parm at Sbarro.
7:43: Finishes chicken parm. Belches.
7:44: Calls Nomar’s house. Asks for Mr. Hamm and hangs up.
7:55: Boards First Class to Logan. Orders five Sambucas and a meatball sub.
8:10: Plane takes off.
8:11: Dougie dials Tito on cell phone. Screams “Dougie’s going deep tonight!” Tito shrieks, puts on a fourth layer of clothing.
8:12: Flight attendant asks Dougie to turn off cell phone. Dougie asks flight attendant to turn off her high beams.
8:19: Pilot turns off Fasten Seatbelts sign.
8:19:05: Dougie enters bathroom. Kills it.
11:24 am EDT: Reads back issue of Bushwackers magazine.
11:49: Opens portable DVD player, watches Nina Hartley video. Orders three Sambucas and veal parm.
12:30: Uses cell phone to order $1,295 worth of items from in-flight catalog. When flight attendant protests, asks if she’d like to sit on his Brookstone.
12:34: Receives visit from co-pilot, who demonstrates the Airfone. Dougie calls Curt Schilling on Airfone, asks if he has Prince Albert in a can. Hangs up.
12:35: Co-pilot returns to cockpit.
12:35:15: Dougie calls over flight attendant. Asks if co-pilot is a pickle smoker.
12:43: Calls Derek Lowe on Airfone, asks if Lowe is hung over. Tells Lowe he shaved Trinka’s pubes into the shape of a D, asks Lowe if he’s ever been with a woman having revenge sex.
12:45: Calls Hazel Mae, tells her to wear something low-cut tonight. Mae faints.
1:01: Finds Brian Giles’ Amex in his wallet, calls NESN switchboard on Airfone using Giles’ Amex. Asks if Tina Cervasio is a stracciamanici.
1:15: Orders Pellegrino. Flight attendant brings Perrier. Dougie pisses in cup, asks if flight attendant would like some Perrier.
1:20: Calls David Wells on Airfone using Geoff Blum’s Visa. Tells Wells to get his fat fucking ass in shape or he’ll get a towel party.
1:34: Calls Remy on Airfone using Dewon Brazelton’s MasterCard. Tells Remy to pick out some nice Game On! girls for a postgame party tonight.
1:36: Calls the flight attendant over, asks what’s the biggest sopressata she’s ever eaten.
2:03: Flight lands at O’Hare. Dougie commandeers cart for transporting disabled, drives through concourse at 25 mph. Stops at Sbarro, picks up 2 orders of chicken parm for second flight; stops at Borders, picks up Penthouse Letters.
2:12: Arrives at gate for Logan flight. Asks gate agent if she’s ever heard of Josh Bard or Cla Meredith. Asks if she’s ever heard of the Motherfucking 2004 World Champion Boston Red Sox. Dougie smiles.
2:14: Boards into first class
2:15: Calls Ozzie Guillen on Airfone using Scott Linebrink’s Diner’s Club card. Thanks Ozzie for keeping AL championship seat warm, but Dougie can take it from here. Ozzie breaks into stream of Spanish curses. Dougie says, “Whatever, puta” and hangs up.
2:17: Calls Derek Lowe on Airfone using Josh Barfield’s Carte Blanche card. Asks if Derek ever got a rusty trombone from Trinka. Hangs up.
2:31: After spending 10 minutes trying to get Airfone to work with Rob Bowen’s SpeedPass, gives up and uses his cell to call Roger Clemens. Asks if he’s wearing Ninja Turtle shoelaces like a little bitch. When the flight attendant protests, Dougie screams for eggplant parm and two Sambucas.
2:32: Debbie Clemens picks up the other line. Dougie offers her a Dirty Hitler mustache.
2:35: Dougie’s starting tonight, so time for some BP. Goes to galley, removes clothes except for cowboy hat, and takes 50 naked cuts. Makes eye contact with flight attendant. Screams, “DOUGIE’S GOING DEEP TONIGHT!” He does not have an erection.
2:45: Calls Chien-Ming Wang on Airfone using Chan Ho Park’s JCB card. Tells him the bombs we dropped on his country are nothing compared to the bombs Dougie’s going to drop on Wang tonight. Says “Wang” a few more times, laughs. Hangs up.
3:27: Dougie wakes up from a nap and lets fly with a 10-second parm fart. He gets Penthouse Letters from his carry-on and heads to the lavatory, grabbing a Sambuca from the beverage cart on the way. Dougie hates courtesy flushes.
3:29: Dougie wonders where the fuck this small midwestern college is anyway.
3:30: Kills it.
3:38: Opens the lav door and demands high-quality toilet paper. Screams, “DOUGIE CAN’T CATCH WITH A HEMORRHOID!”
3:41: Lights a match.
3:42: Fire alarm goes off. Dougie is nonplussed.
3:43: Alarm disabled. Pilot leaves cockpit, asks, “Who the hell do you think you are?” Dougie nonchantly replies, “I’m a stud who hits bombs.”
3:58: Uses cell phone to call Tito and confirm he’s hitting cleanup. Tito shrieks, puts on fifth layer of clothing.
4:15: Plane lands.
4:16: Dougie getting impatient. Sees pic of Natalie Gulbis in the in-flight magazine. Kills it to waste time.
4:23: Gate is being swung too slowly. Screams, “DOUGIE’S GOTTA GET TO THE PARK!” Opens exit door, deploys inflatable slide. Three Boston PD cruisers are waiting to escort Dougie to the ballpark.
4:29: Takes call from Tom Menino. Calls him “Mayor Giuliani.” Announces that he will hit a bomb for his paisan.
4:30: The motorcade stops at Papa Gino’s. Dougie orders two meatball parm sandwiches. He leaves a $100 bill.
4:48: Dougie arrives at the ballpark. He puts Theo in a headlock and gives John Henry a noogie.
4:51: Walks into clubhouse. Announces, “TWO BOMBS TONIGHT!” Terry Francona gasps, locks office door.
4:54: Changes for BP. Does not wear a cup. You don’t need a cup with balls of steel.
8:00: woken up by his cell phone ringing…sees that it is Bruce Bochy calling and puts him right to voice mail
8:01: farts on his wife…gets up and takes his early morning 90 second piss on his hands…gets back into bed and farts on his wife again
8:04: falls back asleep
8:26: woken up again by his cell phone…sees that it is Kevin Towers this time…answers it and assures him he has the wrong number
8:27: walks down the stairs and trips over his kids toy…says 12 F-Bombs in 8 seconds
8:30: opens the fridge and threatens the life of anyone that ate his leftovers from last nights Pupu Platter
8:31: chugs a beer
8:42: finishes his leftovers but cusses out his wife for buying light beer…tells her light beer are for pussies
8:45: takes a dump
8:58: reads an article in ESPN the magazine about Nomar
9:01: calls Nomar’s cell and says he knows the only reason he signed with the Dodgers is because his wife made him…and because his “bitch” was now the manager…calls him a pussy and hangs up before Nomar can say anything
9:02: realizes he called “Nomar’s Bitch” instead of “Nomar” by mistake…thought Nomar sounded funny with a southern accent
9:15: finishes taking a dump…opens the door and yells “kids…come see the size of this”!!!
9:19: sings Van Halen in the shower
9:28: shaves and leaves his goatee
9:37: watches a rerun of his favorite TV show…24…takes viscious cuts with his bat while screaming “Jack Bauer can’t be stopped!!!”
9:48: ignores his wife and kids when they tell him they are leaving
9:57: finally answers the house phone after it rings 72 times…without saying hello or asking who it is…curses the person out for calling during Dougie’s pump up time
9:58: tells John Henry he understands and will be on a flight that day
10:03: calls Theo and tells him Dougie forgives him for trading him…but to keep that bed-wetter Loretta away from him
10:09: calls Kevin Towers and calls him a pussy for signing Mike Piazza and not playing Dougie everyday
10:13: puts on his cowboy boots…tight jeans and tank top and gets ready to leave
10:19: tells his neighbor that he just got traded back to a real baseball team and that Dougie’s goin deep tonight!!!
10:20: gets into his monster truck…cranks up AC-DC-Thunderstruck and heads to the ball park
10:52: arrives at the stadium and parks in Piazza’s reserved-front row parking spot
10:54: goes into the clubhouse and packs up his things
11:06: takes a dump in Trevor Hoffman’s locker…wipes his ass with Piazza’s batting gloves
11:11: takes a call from Tim Wakfield…tells him all needs to worry about is remembering their 10 minute handshake
11:14: yells “FREEDOM” like Mel Gibson in Braveheart as he leaves the clubhouse
11:16: sees Piazza pulling into the stadium parking lot…stops him and says that he’s a p*ssy for not stabbing Clemens with the bat in the World Series
11:18: crushes Piazza’s car with his Monster truck…backs up and tells him Ford’s are for homo’s…drives over his car again
11:26: gets on the free way heading for the airport with “Born to be Wild” blaring
11:48: pulls up to the airport terminal at a maxed out 60mph…crushes an empty limosine in the process…gets out and says “Dougie’s got a plane to catch!!!”
11:54: refuses to check his golf clubs…
12:04: checks his golf clubs…autographs his cowboy hat and offers that as a tip
12:10: tells airport security to go play in traffic when they ask him to remove his boots
12:18: chugs three beers in 1 minute at the airport bar
12:21: takes 25 swings in front of the airport bathroom mirror…screams out loud…”Dougie’s goin deep tonight!!!”
12:23: hitches a ride on airport motor cart…tells driver Dougie needs to save his energy…gets off 100 feet later
12:28: boards American Airlines Flight 028
12:29: tells Captain that American Airlines sucks and he’d rather be on Delta…warns him not to dilly daly and make Dougie late because he’s on a tight schedule
12:33: refuses to leave first class section to go sit in coach
12:40: gets on the plane’s intercom…announces no-one has to wear their seatbelts if they don’t want and says Dougie’s goin deep tonight!!!
12:48: falls asleep
2:33: lets out a 15 second fart and stinks up the whole plane…falls back asleep
3:38: wakes up and says it’s Dougie’s chow time…orders a Pupu Platter for 3…tells stuartist to F-herself when she comes back with a bagged lunch
3:58: takes a dump…leaves the door open
4:21: calls Francona from airplane phone…demands to bat leadoff…charges call to Nomar’s credit card
6:44: lands at Logan Airport…gives Captain a noogie and departs the plane
6:52: gets into a State Police car…takes off for Fenway Park
6:54: changes into uniform in back of car…tells the State Trooper to step on it…yells “THERE’S NO TIME!!!”
7:00: arrives at the Stadium…
7:01: runs into clubhouse and puts on his catching gear
7:02: bumps into Josh Beckett on the way out to the field…they intensley stare each other down
7:04: sees the lineup card and calls Francona a pussy for not batting him leadoff
7:05: Francona hides behind Beckett
7:07: greets Wakefield in the tunnel…tells him not to waste anytime and hit Damon in the face with the first pitch
7:09: boo’s Damon with 30,000 sox fans…calls for a high-inside fastball
7:15: scoreless first-no passed balls…tells Francona Dougie is a knuckleball-catching God
7:16: tells Youkilis he should be batting 8th and Dougie should be leading off…
7:32: announces that Dougie’s going deep tonight!!
7:33: screams at Chien-Ming Wang…orders some porked-fried rice and says he’s taking him deep
7:34: takes viscious first cut…swings and misses horribly
7:35: grounds out to Jeter…refuses to run to first…tells Francona it’s just Dougie being Dougie
7:46: boo’s Damon
8:02: calls Jeter a homo and asks if A-Rod is jealous of his new boyfriend Damon
8:20: calls Wang a pussy for throwing sliders in Dougie’s last at bat and dares him to bring the heat
8:21: hits a shot to left that’s knocked down by the wind
8:22: on his way back to the dugout…tells first base coach he must suck because he’s not a third base coach and he’s lucky the wind knocked it down
8:39: orders 4 Fenway Franks…cotton candy…bag of peanuts…a pretzel and 4 beers
8:40: lets out a 15 second far and stinks up the whole dugout
8:45: tells Giambi that Jeremy is better
8:46: calls A-Rod a pompus-arrogant-prick and says that Varitek whooped his ass
8:47: warns Matsui…if he had anything to do with Pearl Harbor…Dougie would kill him
8:55: grounds into fielder’s choice…tells Francona to pinch-run for him because Dougie’s calling it a game
8:57: calls Francona a pussy for not pinch running for Dougie
8:58: Francona hides behind Beckett
9:05: tells Timlin to just hit Damon in the back because Giambi will ground into a double play anyways
9:07: boo’s Damon
9:18: grounds out to second…refuses to run to first…
9:20: tells Varitek to warm up because Dougie’s done for the night
9:25: asks Al Nipper if he played with Ted Williams
9:30: watches the 9th from the clubhouse
9:34: throws everything in Willie Harris’s locker on the floor…curses him for taking his old locker
9:38: Sox win…tells Theo it must be the catching and he wants Varitek money
9:45: tells ESPN reporter he’s happy to be back in Boston and that he wants to kiss her
9:52: tells Ortiz that even though he homered…Dougie’s controlling the radio tonight
10:01: sings “Paradise City” in the shower…pisses on his hands and Loretta
10:08: talks to media…says Dougie would have gone deep if the wind wasn’t blowing in and calls Damon a traitor
10:24: announces he’s going to Kowloon Chinese Restaurant on Rt 1 for old times sake…says he’ll pay for anyone that wants to go
10:25: tells Loretta the only way he can come if he tells Dougie who the hell “Josh Bard” is
10:32: does 10 minute handshake with Wakefield and leaves clubhouse
10:52: arrives at Kowloon Chinese Restaurant with Youkilis…Trot…Alex Gonzalez…Willie Harris and Foulke…orders Pupu Platter for 3 and 4 Suffering Bastards for everyone
10:59: tells Youkilis his head is huge
11:30: orders a Mai-Tai and 2 more suffering bastards
12:20: gets bill for $387.98…pays with Nomar’s credit card
12:45: stumbles into the Marriot and checks in
12:48: demands the swimming pool be opened up so Dougie can practice his cannon balls
12:55: calls wife in San Diego…says they’re moving back to Boston and Nomar’s paying for it
12:58: calls wife back…asks her if she’s ever heard of “Josh Bard?”
1:15: takes 35 swings naked and orders porn
1:28: passes out in bed
Now you see there is a legend among us that is being pushed out of baseball for the very thing that him great. Never give up Dougie, don’t ever give up.