Yesterday, it was announced that Barry Zito will be headed to the bullpen after an 0-6 start to season and a 7.53 ERA. I’m pretty sure that Zito will enjoy the low-key persona of being a long-reliever, and he’ll enjoy the rest of that $126 million contract as well. I also feel like Barry’s going to have too much free time out in there in the pen. With nothing really to do, I could see him right now in the corner of the outfield practicing yoga or experimenting with a variety of hallucinogens. So, to prevent the demise of the 2002 Cy Young Award winner, here are some things that Barry Zito needs to do to get back in the rotation:
1. Get more intense – the lackadaisical attitude might work as a youngster aggravating the veterans into poor at-bats, but as a veteran he has to get some attitude and show the younger guys why he won a Cy Young.
2. Take some pressure off, give back some money – I’m only saying this because less pressure would help, and he surely doesn’t need $126 million with a lifestyle of living on the beach and playing the guitar, okay, maybe that salary does come in handy with the amount of Birckenstocks he probably owns.
3. Change first name - he was named after a “freethinker” brother of his mother’s whom she once described as “the original beatnik.” Also, the quotes in that link kind of make me want to go watch porn, eat beef jerky, smoke cigars and drink some Natty in order to counteract the stuff I just read.
Basically, Barry, follow these 3 steps, go watch some Denis Leary comedy and take it seriously.
