The Ripken and Costner Love Triangle

April 21, 2008   Leave a Comment  

kelly-sofa.jpgA certain story has once again entered the public consciousness recently after a NPR radio show questioned the Hall of Famer, Cal Ripken Jr., about a particular incident from 1997. The story goes that the actor, Kevin Costner was staying in the Ripken home following the filming of his film, The Postman. One day as Ripken was on his way to the park, he realized he had forgotten something and had to head back home to retrieve it. Upon arriving home he walked in on his wife banging the Oscar winner. It is also said that Ripken beat Costner severely causing his to miss many publicity engagements in the time that followed. After the altercation Ripken supposedly called Orioles owner, Peter Angelos to notify him that he would not be able to play that day. Fearing the end of the consecutive game steak, an electrical failure was declared and the game was not played.

This is one of the great sports rumors that seems to never go away even though both parties have denied the allegations. I feel that the reason for its longevity is just the thought or notion of Mr. Waterworld getting his ass handed to him by the Iron Man. I guess his time beating up that pansy, Tim Robbins, during Bull Durham didn’t help very much.

High School Pitcher In Japan Gets Bukkaked

April 18, 2008   Leave a Comment  

mrbaseball.jpgA pitcher in Japan gave up 66 runs in an 1.1 IP. That was on 250 pitches and the game was only called after the player pleaded for a forfeit. The manager for Kawamoto Technical High School was quoted as saying,

“At that pace the pitcher would have thrown around 500 pitches in four innings, there was a danger he could get injured.”

That may be the understatement of the year.

Also, this kid’s arm may have miraculously not bee injured in the contest, but his pride is definitely on life support. Taking a momentous shelling like this has to result in some kind of therapy. His ERA was 540, that’s 540 reasons why this kid should be on suicide watch. 

They should document the aftermath, MTV’s True Life: I am the Worst Baseball Player in the World. 

Big Ben Taking On Romo The Homo

April 18, 2008   1 Comment  

ben-roethlisberger-parties.jpgThe other day on the Dan Patrick replacement show on ESPN Radio, Ben Roethlisbeger took a few jabs at his counterpart in Dallas and the soon to be Aunt, Jessica Simpson. Here is how the discussion went with none other than Mike Tirico and Michele Tafoya, ouch, not about the comments about how terrible that radio team sounds. Surprisingly, Michele Tafoya was not sexually assaulted in studio. Please read that link, it is incredible.

“I got to play at Dallas, I think it was my rookie year,” Roethlisberger said. “I’m glad they’re coming up here to play us. I’m thinking about sending an all-expenses paid trip for Tony (Romo) to go to Mexico.”

Tafoya shot back, “I thought you were going to bring Jessica to you.” And Roethlisberger played along. “We could do that too,”

Big Ben said. “I might just fly her in.”

These comments will hopefully re-spark a dynasty that has been dormant since Superbowl XXX. Romo is hopefully going to come back with some pitiful comment, and I hope even more that it is Jessica Simpson who lays down the comeback.

Possible Tony Romo comeback:

     “He’s just jealous because he’s not as good looking as me, even though I would totally go down on him.”

Possible Jessica Simpson comeback:

     “What are Steelers anyway, do they steal stuff?”

Possible Big Ben reponse:

     “You’re a hooker.”

What’s My Age Again?

April 17, 2008   Leave a Comment  

tejada1ir.jpgToday, Miguel Tejada admitted to actually being two years older than his listed birth date of May 25, 1976. This seems to happen all to often with players coming out of Latin America and wouldn’t be a big deal if tens of millions of dollars and long-term contracts weren’t involved. I just don’t see how clauses are not included in these long-term deals pertaining to this common occurence. I still remember Rafael Furcal being dubbed the first Major Leaguer born in the ’80s before it turned out that he was actually born in ’77 or when Alfonso Soriano aged from 26 to 28 just by being traded to the Rangers. I understand that they do this to get a better opportunity, but how prevalent is this. The world definitely does not need more Danny Almonte‘s. That kid ended up marrying a 30 year old woman when he was 19 and now plays for some community college in Oklahoma. (Yeah, I understand that was a totally different case, but that groin dog needed to be included in something that I wrote.) Basically, I’m saying I want to know how old these guys are just for discussions about prospects. Much less people would be talking about guys like Angel Villalona, Jose Tabata and Fernando Martinez if they were two years older. I figure at least one of them is lying. Other the other end of the spectrum, I don’t even want to know how old Julio Franco actually is. The only trim in his age bracket is Happy Gilmore’s Grandma. I’m also waiting for one of these prospects to get caught with some jailbait, that might stop a few of lies from continuing. I wish we could find out just how many players are lying about their age, it would most definitely be longer than the Mitchell Report. Get on that Congress.

Congress Hates Steroids, But Loves The Nature Boy

April 16, 2008   Leave a Comment  

Ric Flair was an honored guest by the House of Representatives yesterday. Yes, you read that correctly, the chest chopping, bleached hair, Huckabee endorsing, robe-wearing steroid user was brought in front of congress as U.S. Rep. Sue Myrick read a list of accomplishments and undoubtedly did some terrible impressions. Here is the entire transcript from some bullshit political blog. Flair has been linked to a Tampa clinic that was distributing steroids, but I guess in no way did it bother him to appear before the very people investigating the subject. I guess the Nature Boy, really does live his saying, “To Be the Man, You have to Beat the Man.”

Stirring It Up

April 16, 2008   Leave a Comment  

63.jpgSomething, I remember from my early days in baseball was the inclusion of stirrups as a necessity to every gameday. In recent years however, this has changed greatly and baseball has gotten away from it’s roots. I’m not going to get into a discussion about uniforms because Uni-Watch does it pretty well already. I just want to emphasize my hatred of the Manny Ramirez baggy pants look and my love for the high socks. To me there is nothing classier than putting on those shitty sanitary socks under some eye-catching hosiery. Yes I said hosiery. So here’s to guys like Anthony Reyes bringing back a storied tradition. Also, there is nothing worse that the socks that are made to look like stirrups. That’s like wearing a replica jersey and not an authentic, you look like a retard.

The main reason for this post was to post a link where I found some customizable stirrups. For years I’ve been looking for these striped stirrups to wear on the field and show everyone up and now, I have finally found them. Check it out, and order some. Now is the time to start the revolution.

Misery, And I’m Not Talking Kathy Bates

April 14, 2008   Leave a Comment  

42-17131105.jpgForbes just published an article listing what they believe to be the Ten Most Miserable Sports Cities. They based these rankings on different numbers and ratios with pretty much a blatant disregard for these actual misery of the fans in these cities. Evidence supporting this fact being the Atlanta is number 1, with Cleveland and Philadelphia being 8 and 9. Here are my top 5.

1. Cleveland – The Indians were a joke before the Carlos Baerga era, and the constant highlight of MJ’s jumpshot over Craig Ehlo does not help. Not to mention a football team that left and was re-created, while continuing to make fans feel like Tim Couch(pussy who cries) on a daily basis.

2. Philadelphia – When a city is ready to boo Santa Claus, then you know there are some mental issues. Probably the most annoying of all fans, with their constant Eagles chants, while also being the most likely to go home and put on lipstick like Steve Buscemi in Billy Madison and contemplate their “People to Kill” list, #1 – Joe Carter.

3. Boston – Sure this city has been on fire since 2001, but it really does not make any difference for the fans. They’ll still be the first one’s to bitch about officiating or make themselves feel like the victim. It’s kind of like a city full of ex-girlfriends, or more accurately, a city full of Livia Sopranos.

4. Buffalo – Four Superbowl losses on Madden would make me want to kill myself, let alone in real-life. Also, arguably their biggest star was Orenthal James himself. Maybe O.J. could help out Buffalonians, if you know what I mean, when the Bills leave for an actual city(Toronto) in the near future.

5. Twin Cities (Minneapolis, St. Paul) – First of all, there is an identity crisis, which can’t help, kind of like having gay parents, you’re already at a disadvantage. The persona of over-acheiving before under-acheiving has definitely taken its toll, and Gary Anderson‘s Norwood in 1998 doesn’t help. To tell you the truth, they probably would have been higher on the list if it wasn’t for Gordon Bombay and the Mighty Ducks.

Allison Stokke, Ooo Daddy Likey

April 14, 2008   Leave a Comment  

This is Allison Stokke, you might remember her story from about a year ago, but it is worth rehashing because of the sheer existence of this photo. She is a pole-vaulting star from California who received much unwanted attention on the internet after this exact photo was posted on some blog. Her Dad, also wasn’t helping to keep the attention minimal. So, why did I throw this up here now? Well, I was sitting in my living room a few days ago and looked over at my roommates computer that he had set on the coffee table and noticed the photo in question as his background. Remembering the story behind the photo, I asked him why he had that up there and his response was, “I don’t know, some pole-vaulter and she’s banging.” I laughed and thought that they should add that to her bio for Cal where she will be beginning her college career in the next couple weeks. I’m giving it until about late October before she getting down with Nate Longshore, or more like Brock Mansion, since he’s not Mormon and doesn’t have a pitiful blog.

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Why Suzy Kolber

April 11, 2008   4 Comments  

The object of my affection has reportedly given birth to a baby girl named, Kellyn. This is a devasting revelation, but it will do nothing to inhibit my pursuit or my infatuation. Rumors have always follwed Kolber that she was a scissorer, but nothing has ever been stated as fact. The 44-year old still plans to cover the NFL Draft following her maternity leave, so the constant visual of Tom Jackson won’t be nearly as bad. Here are reasons why Suzy Kolber is the most attractive woman on the planet.

1. She knows a lot about football

2. Her very straight teeth

3. Her non-regional diction

4. Her newer haircut

5. She turned down Joe Namath

6. She knows a lot about football

7. That ass

8. That tight body

9. She knows a lot about football

10. She covers football with poise and confidence, so you know she has to be good in the trenches.

I need to go take a shower.

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Avian Red Sox Nation

April 11, 2008   Leave a Comment  

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So I wrote a post about a girl getting attacked by a bird at Fenway the other day, well her name is Alexa Rodriguez and she is 13 years old. Coincidence? Or is this the beginning of a plot by the Avian Red Sox Nation, wanting to send a message to “the limp-wristed one” before stepping out of the dugout and into a scene that no one has encountered since Tippi Hedren? I choose the latter.

 I know this is old news, but wanted to wait and write about it before the series this weekend.

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