Tecmo Super Bowl Predicts the Super Bowl Champion

Jan. 31, 2009   Leave a Comment  

We used vNES  to simulate a game between the Steelers and Cardinals on the greatest football game of all time, Tecmo Super Bowl.  Since we don’t know how to update rosters, we simulated using the game’s original rosters, which means the Cardinals are actually known as the Phoenix Cardinals.  Here was the outcome:

Greatest Game of All Time

Greatest Game of All Time

First Quarter

The game starts as a big snooze fest with neither team able to get anything started.  Pittsburgh QB Bubby Brister shows why he was never able to be as great as his name was, as he constantly avoids throwing to open receivers and elects to throw into double coverage.  The Cardinals meanwhile get nothing started on offense and the first ends scoreless.

Second Quarter

Phoenix has the first chance to score in the game, but Al Del Greco puts his field goal attempt off the upright.  The ‘lers take over and methodically march down the field, and Warren Williams piles in for the first TD of the game, making it 7-0 Pittsburgh.  The Cardinals next drive fails quickly, as Tim Rosenbach throws an INT to Dwayne Woodruff with a little under a minute to go in the half.  Brister misses two passes, and the Steelers elect to kick a FG with 34 seconds left on thrid down from the 17, even though they have 2 time outs left.  Gary Anderson’s FG attempt goes off the upright giving the Cardinals back the ball.  With 8 seconds left in the half, Phoenix fumbles and David Little recovers and plows into the end zone to make it 14-0 at the half Steelers.

Third Quarter

The Cardinals begin the second half with the ball, but Tim Rosenbach quickly changes that as he throws his second INT of the day, this one to future Hall of Famer Rod Woodson.  Brister quickly capitilazes on the error and hits Lous Lipps for the wide-open 54 yard TD pass, making it 21-0 Steelers.  The Cardinals take the ensuing kickoff past the 50, but Del Greco misses his second field goal as the third ends, 21-0.

Fourth Quarter

The Steelers take over after the Cardinals missed field goal and go three and out.  However, the Cardinals fumble the punt and Terry Long recovers the fumble and carries it in to make it 27-0.  The PAT is good and the Steelers are only 4 minutes away from their Six Pack.  Rosenbach takes the Cards back on to the field but throws another pick to Woodruff.  Pittsburgh  fails to capitalize as Anderson misses his second FG of the day.  Yet, Rosenbach throws his 4th pick of the day with a little over a minute left.  The Steelers run out the clock on the ground with Merrill Hoge  and eventually settle for an Anderson field goal to finalize the score at 31-0 Steelers, giving Pittsburgh one for the other hand.

Sign of things to come...

Sign of things to come...

Super Bowl MVP: Pittsburgh Defense.  If they can’t give it to the whole defense they might as well give it to Tim Rosenbach, since he did the most to ensure the Steeler victory.

A Day in the Life: Detective Roc Hoover

Jan. 29, 2009   1 Comment  

7 AM: Roll over in bed and say to my wife, “You’ve gotta ask yourself one question, do you know what it’s like to play in the National Football League?”

7:01 AM: My wife responds by kicking me in the groin after realizing that I pissed in the bed again. Yet another flashback to my playing days.

7:15 AM: Roll out of bed and limp to the bathroom. Wingo and I have NFL Live today, and I’ve gotta study my lines before we go on-air. Absolutely no question we’re talking about the National Football League.

7:30 AM: Call my son and ask him how his “goat” is growing in. He seems drunk and pissed off and asks me why the hell I’m calling him when its 5:30 AM in Arizona on a Friday morning. I respond by saying “You’ve gotta ask yourself one question when you’re talking about the National Football League,” and hang up.

10:00 AM: I arrive at the ESPN campus after getting lost again. I see my boy Wingo sittin’ in the studio reading over some stats and news from the night before. I tell him that I’ve been studying my lines and am ready for the show. He proceeds to inform me that I had been reading my 3-sentence part for my monthly appearance on Guiding Light. Shit.

10:02 AM: Wingo asks me how I’m doing.

1:14 PM: After thinking about it, I respond, “Absolutely no question about the National Football League, I’m talking about the National Football League, no question.”

2:03 PM: I just finished my lunch: 4 EAS bars and some Bengay for my knees.  You’ve gotta absolutely ask yourself the question, “hey stink was all the pain and suffering worth it?”

2:08 PM: As far as I’m concerned the National Football League and blitz packages are absolutely worth more than my family.  No question, now you ask yourself.

2:39 PM: My phone rings. . . It’s Sears.  The Suits on the other end want me to promote a new ultimate football experience.  I tell them that the true ultimate football experience is absolutely no question in the trenches of the National Football League where the true tough guys play.  John Elway, I played with him.  Brett Favre no question, leadership, football, national, ask yourself.”

3:45 PM: I’ve just changed into my new brown and white pinstripe suit. We’re talkin about Perry Ellis, National Football League, Super Bowl.

3:58: We’re just about to go on the air when I get a call from the Suits at the Life Time Network .  They’re coming over this weekend to film more of my family’s upcoming reality show.  We’re talkin about. Stink Schlereth. on a channel. designed for women.  Absolutely, from a football and physical man standpoint, you’ve gotta ask yourself if you’re humbled by the honor, no question I asked myself, talkin about absolutely.

4:00 PM: Me and Trey go on the air. I make sure to relate any NFL story to the fact that I played with John Elway.

4:17 PM: I stop the show to mention that I played with John Elway once again and ask the entire viewing audience, “When you step in that National Footbal League locker room and put that jersey on, you’re representing the National Football League. Absolutely, no question, you’ve gotta ask yourself if you’re that football team.”

4:18 PM: Wingo asks me what the hell I’m talking about.

4:21 PM: Let me tell you what, you know what,Usain Bolt, no question football absolutely i know fast guys, send them  in no question.  We’re talkin about physical, line up and hit you in the mouth physicality football, on and off the field no question they’re a physical football team.

4:23 PM: I walk over to the EA Sports Virtual Field and can’t find any of the players I see when I’m watching on TV. Absolutely, no question, I’ve gotta ask myself where the players are.

4:30 PM: I spent 7 minutes on the virtual field  analyzing the 6 yard quick-out pattern yard by yard and stressing the importance of getting the National Football League football into the wide receiver’s hands who is wearing National Football League sponsored gloves. Lastly, I divulged some information that most analysts do not even know… absolutely no question that football is a ’physical-contact-line-up-and-hit-you-in-the-mouth-blitz-package-offensive-scheme type of game.’  Ne absolutely no question that the show’s over.

5:00 PM: I start my trip home after mapquesting my address. Those head slaps must’ve gotten the best of me during my career. By the way, I played with Elway and the Denver Broncos.

5:15 PM: My Red Dodge Ram breaks down on the side of the interstate, apparently the gas gauge wasn’t broken.

5:16 PM: I call my fellow Alaskan Governor Palin for some advice. We’re both from Alaska, but I wasn’t lucky enough to be blessed with her intelligence. Absolutely no question she could’ve been an O-Coordinator in the National Football League. You’ve gotta ask yourself that question when you’re talking about a football team.

7:00 PM: The tow truck arrives. The spare time gave me a chance to study my 3 Guiding Light sentences.

7:45 PM: I finally get home. It’s been a long day.

7:47 PM: Dive into my 8th EAS MyoPlex Bar. Absolutely no question Now I’m done.

8: 00 PM: I fall asleep watching clips of Super Bowl XXXII. Absolutely no question that Elway looked great.

The Marty B Apology

Jan. 29, 2009   Leave a Comment  

Martellus Bennett got fined for a freestyle to “Get Money,” but now he has released his apology hoping to capitalize on the recent news. The apology isn’t bad and I agree with him that players need to be more accessible, like Chris Cooley showing his dick. I think the gay bashing may have did you in Marty, leave that to the upcoming Eminem cd.

Football Owner To Ambassador? No, I'm Not Talking About Al Davis

Jan. 29, 2009   Leave a Comment  

There was an interview a few weeks back on KDKA in Pittsburgh that directly addressed the possiblity that Dan Rooney could be named as the next Ambassador to Ireland. Now, the Irish Times is reporting that Mr. Rooney heads the list. His competition includes Caroline Kennedy, and since she is busy banging publishers, we should begin welcoming Ireland as the newest addition to Steeler nation. The tally now standing for the Superbowl: Steelers – America, China, Ireland / Cardinals – Arizona (home state of presidential loser).

Steelers Ownership Football

Get Ready To Stroke Your Celery

Jan. 29, 2009   1 Comment  

Dick Ebersol wasn’t having it when he banned this PETA add from being shown during the Superbowl. I will be venturing down to the game, so I will make sure to eat some post-game steak in PETA’s honor. I guess there are only two places for women with emotional problems to go. For ugly girls, it’s a VH1 Reality Show. For hot girls, they join PETA.

Definition Of A Loser

Jan. 29, 2009   Leave a Comment  

We all like sports and root for our teams, but this queer takes it to a new level. To make it worse, this kid is getting egged on by girls, when does that happen? This kid reminds me of when Jerry O’Connell cries in Stand By Me. By the way, this video has been posted everywhere and you’ve probably already seen it, but I had to get my pop culture reference out there.

Lesbians And Athletes, Matches Made In Heaven

Jan. 29, 2009   2 Comments  

In one of my better moments I was watching Kurt Warner highlights thinking about how he met his wife while he was bagging groceries and decided to take in the divorcee and her two children. It’s is probably the most solid move I have ever heard, while simultaneously being the dumbest decision of all time. After pondering this great story, I then moved my thought process to – How can I make fun of Kurt Warner’s wife, Brenda. Other than her having a trailer park/pregnant high schooler first name, you can’t look past her haircut. So after noticing her resemblance to lesbian I developed this question. If eharmony were to match up famous lesbians and athletes, who would wind up with who?

kurt-warner

1. Darlene from Roseanne (Sara Gilbert) / Kyle Orton – They can call them “the Muff and the Scruff.” They were made for each other as she grew up in the fictional Lanford, Illinois and you cannot forget old Dan Connor constantly wearing those Bears sweatshirts. Darlene was always into that short little guy who’s on Big Bang Theory now, so it is definitely time for her to meet a real man, especially an alpha male such as Kyle Orton and his neckbeard.  Orton would definitely be into the white trash type as he has previously shown with his alcoholic beverage choices. Anyway, these two would obviously be in the running to be featured on the next season of My Big Red Neck Wedding.ortongilbert

2. Ellen Degeneres / Steve Nash – Being probably the most lesbian out of this entire group, I would imagine Ellen to be matched up with one of the most feminine looking athletes on the face of the Earth. She would definitely go for the “euro” haircuts and might even be able to give him a few pointers on his Vitamin Water ads. They both also seem to be at the top of their respective games and would obviously become a pop culture power couple for the ages. I’m thinking this would be the perfect combo for a Will and Grace -esque sitcom.

ellennash

3. Melissa Etheridge / Barry Zito – This seems to be a match made in heaven when it comes to the shared love of guitars. Also, It is very easy to see Zito hitting rock bottom after the past few miserable seasons. I imagine him becoming a modern day David Crosby, mustache and all. Crosby also just so happens to be the creator of the sperm that artificially inseminated Etheridge’s girlfriend on a number of occasions. Let me set the scene for you, Zito staying in San Fran, refusing to sign with another team so that he can play his guitar in coffee shops across the city. Zito’s featured song, a cover of Etheridge’s biggest hit, which he cleverly titles “I Cum In Her Window.”

etheridgezito

Larry Fitzgerald, Lost Member Of Run's House

Jan. 27, 2009   1 Comment  

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In all the Superbowl hype, I could not get over the resemblance between Rev Run and the soon to be marketing marvel, Larry Fitzgerald. So, even though Run’s House has come to a close, we can still hope for some cameos on Daddy’s Girls.

runs-house-tv-01

Blue Magic

Jan. 26, 2009   Leave a Comment  

“What’s with this outfit? You know what it says? You wanna know what it says? Arrest me!”

Pittsburgh Steelers head coach Mike Tomlin arrives with his team in Tampa, Florida January 26, 2009 to prepare for the NFL's Super Bowl XLIII football game to be played February 1. From Reuters Pictures by REUTERS.

Five minutes after this picture, Tomlin was seen carrying 50 equipment bags to a pick-up truck on the runway.  Darryl Strawberry and Doc Gooden were ridin and packin shotgun.  Pedro Gomez was at the scene and reported that it might’ve been The Cream and The Clear.

“Don’t rub, blot it! You blot that shit!”

A Dialogue Of Erin Andrews

Jan. 22, 2009   Leave a Comment  

erinThis came over from the Kornheiser Cartel and their thoughts are in the mold of the Dougie’s Goin’ Deep posts, but with a slighlty more attractive subject. They present to you, a Day in the Life of Erin Andrews. The only thing missing is the amount of time she must spend naked in front of a mirror basking in her own magnificence and medifast coupons, because she obviously does not need them.