Greatest Game of All Time

First Quarter

The game starts as a big snooze fest with neither team able to get anything started.  Pittsburgh QB Bubby Brister shows why he was never able to be as great as his name was, as he constantly avoids throwing to open receivers and elects to throw into double coverage.  The Cardinals meanwhile get nothing started on offense and the first ends scoreless.

Second Quarter

Phoenix has the first chance to score in the game, but Al Del Greco puts his field goal attempt off the upright.  The ‘lers take over and methodically march down the field, and Warren Williams piles in for the first TD of the game, making it 7-0 Pittsburgh.  The Cardinals next drive fails quickly, as Tim Rosenbach throws an INT to Dwayne Woodruff with a little under a minute to go in the half.  Brister misses two passes, and the Steelers elect to kick a FG with 34 seconds left on thrid down from the 17, even though they have 2 time outs left.  Gary Anderson’s FG attempt goes off the upright giving the Cardinals back the ball.  With 8 seconds left in the half, Phoenix fumbles and David Little recovers and plows into the end zone to make it 14-0 at the half Steelers.

Third Quarter

The Cardinals begin the second half with the ball, but Tim Rosenbach quickly changes that as he throws his second INT of the day, this one to future Hall of Famer Rod Woodson.  Brister quickly capitilazes on the error and hits Lous Lipps for the wide-open 54 yard TD pass, making it 21-0 Steelers.  The Cardinals take the ensuing kickoff past the 50, but Del Greco misses his second field goal as the third ends, 21-0.

Fourth Quarter

The Steelers take over after the Cardinals missed field goal and go three and out.  However, the Cardinals fumble the punt and Terry Long recovers the fumble and carries it in to make it 27-0.  The PAT is good and the Steelers are only 4 minutes away from their Six Pack.  Rosenbach takes the Cards back on to the field but throws another pick to Woodruff.  Pittsburgh  fails to capitalize as Anderson misses his second FG of the day.  Yet, Rosenbach throws his 4th pick of the day with a little over a minute left.  The Steelers run out the clock on the ground with Merrill Hoge  and eventually settle for an Anderson field goal to finalize the score at 31-0 Steelers, giving Pittsburgh one for the other hand.

Sign of things to come...

Super Bowl MVP: Pittsburgh Defense.  If they can’t give it to the whole defense they might as well give it to Tim Rosenbach, since he did the most to ensure the Steeler victory.

Notre Dame Football- Charlie Weis

Charlie Weis’ hiring was supposed to bring forth national championships, Heisman Trophy winners, big time recruits and major bowl wins.  Four season in and there has been no national titles, one top 5 finish in Heisman voting (Brady Quinn), two blowout BCS bowl losses, and one Hawaii Bowl victory.  The recruiting has been a different story, as loads of 5 Stars have flocked to South Bend.  Turning them into winners is the name of the game though, and 10 wins in the last  two seasons is just not cutting it.

The Verdict: Change we can not yet believe in

I said biggie size dammit!

Kentucky Basketball- Billy Gillipsie

Billy Gillipsie, the guy responsible for turning two programs a year removed from dreadfulness into postseason participants (UTEP and Texas A&M), was brought to Kentucky to replace a National Champion winning coach (Tubby Smith).  His tilt at UK got off to a rocky start, getting blown out at home to Gardner-Webb in the team’s second game of the season.  His team rebounded though and finished his first season 18-13, including 12-4 in the SEC and a co-SEC Coach of the Year Award, as well as a trip to the tournament to top it off.  His sophomore season has been more successful, with the Wildcats currently 14-4, and his recruiting has made waves, even signing an 8th grader.

The Verdict: Yes, he possibly can

Michigan Football- Rich Rodriguez

Rich Rodriguez left the comfort of his native West Virginia to take over a program that was in need of fine tuning after Lloyd Carr retired.  His spread option attack, which fueled WVU to within one game of a national title game birth, proved highly unsuccessful in his first year at the helm in Ann Arbor.  Michigan went 3-9, the worst record in school history,  the first losing record in 41 years, and  scores of players left the program, including Sam McGuffie, one of the few bright spots on the team.  Rich Rod even went as far as criticizing the Maize and Blue fans after losing to Ohio State, saying that the fans needed to get a life.

The Verdict: The Audacity of Nope

Not quite what I would call a thumbs up season RichRod...

Alabama Football- Nick Saban

Nick Saban took over after Mike Shula and did not see immediate success, even going so far as losing  to Louisiana-Monroe in his first year.  His second season saw the Tide go 12-0 and rise to #1, only to lose to eventual national champs Florida in the SEC Championship game and undefeated Utah in the Sugar Bowl.  Seeing how the team was supposed to be a year away this season, the future looks bright in Tuscaloosa.

The Verdict: Change Has Come to Alabama

UCLA Basketball- Ben Howland

Three Final Fours  in five seasons, which saw his teams win at least 30 games in each of those three seasons.  His teams play defense  better than just about every team in the country.  And his recruiting is pretty darn good too.  Yeah, Ben Howland has done alright out there in LA.

The Verdict: A More Perfect UCLA

I sure am goofy looking, but I could coach blind kids to the Final Four

North Carolina Basketball- Roy Williams

At the beginning of this season, there was talk about UNC going undefeated.  Of course that will not happen since the Heels have dropped two games, but if you think this team loses more than 5 games all year you must be crazy.  Roy Williams has turned around a program that was struggling, winning a national title and taking last year’s team to the Final Four only to lose to his former school (Kansas) in the semis.  Don’t be surprised if this team makes it back to the Final Four….and looking at next year’s recruiting class, UNC may make the Final Four an annual ritual.

The Verdict: Change UNC can believe in

Florida Football- Urban Meyer

When the Gators gave the Zooker the boot, they turned to a young guy who had just lead Utah to an undefeated season.  Good choice.  In 4 seasons the results are uncanny.  A record of 45-9, including 26-8 in the SEC.  Two national championships.  Tebow won a Heisman and saved poor kids (and saved the souls of prisoners and cured cancer and taught the Dali Lama peace).  And the team will be just as good next year.  And probably the year after that.  Yeah, it’s good to be a Gator.

The Verdict: Yes He Did!

Clearly a Floridian mating call to attract Erin Andrews

10.  Baseball Writers’ Association of America (BBWA)

The BBWA has the proud distinction of selecting who makes the Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown, arguably the most exclusive of all of the hall of fame’s in America.  Unfortunately, the BBWA is filled with clowns who follow some ass backwards rules- namely that some of them refuse to vote for guys on the ballot the first time.  The requirements for the hall states that 75% of voters must vote for a player….in the history of Major League Baseball no man has ever received 100% of the votes (Tom Seaver came the closest with 98.84%).  Babe Ruth even missed out on 11 votes!

9.  The NHL in Warm Weather Climates

The NHL use to be great.  Use to be.  Until it decided to expand to places where hockey was a foreign word.  Until the NHL gets rid of Atlanta, Columbus (not warm weather, but seriously Columbus?), Tampa Bay, Florida, Phoenix,  and two of the California teams, I will not care.  Unless it brings back the Whalers or the Nordiques, the two teams with the best unis in the sport.

Classy...

8.  College Bowl Games

What do the San Diego County Credit Union, Papajohns.com, Roady’s,  and Gaylord Hotels all have in common?  They all sponsored bowl games, of which there are now 34 of, meaning 68 teams get to play in the college postseason (56.6% of teams in FBS).  Meanwhile,  97 teams out of 347 (27%) go to the basketball postseason in some form in college basketball (NIT included).  Bowl games used to mean something….now they mean a potential trip to Boise or Shreveport.

We're going to Idaho!

7. The Heavyweight Champion(s)

It would be great to see boxing make a return to the limelight.  Especially the heavyweight division.  But with currently 4 different men being recognized as the heavyweight champ by 5 different organizations, this isn’t going to happen anytime soon.

6. Erin Andrews Lack of Naked Pictures

How this has not happened yet is beyond me.  If this ever does come to happen, I’m convinced the Internet will blow up.

Something special

5. Bill Raftery does not Call the Final Four

Good news: Bill Packer is out.  Bad news: the most entertaining man in college basketball probably still won’t get the chance to call the Final Four and yell “Onions!” every time Mario Chalmers hits a 3 in the final seconds…

Side note: Imagine Gus Johnson alongside Bill calling anything…the could make the World Scrabble Championships must viewing…some one take this idea to ESPN before they give Jim Rome more air time….

4. Sportswriters

I thank the Internet and ESPN for killing the world of sportswriting.  Granted there are some very good ones still out there- Mike Wilbon and Rick Reilly- but there are also the likes of Jim Rome, every member of Around the Horn, Scoop Jackson and whoever else ESPN deems to be loud, obnoxious, idiotic and perfect to put on television.  Most of these guys are nothing more than wannabe jocks who are still pissed about being cut from the basketball team in tenth grade.  But unlike MJ, it didn’t drive them to be better athletes, rather it just made them want to sit on the sidelines and thrown stones.  Grantland Rice must roll in his grave everytime Jay Mariotti talks…

3.  No Sports Team in Las Vegas

Las Vegas is one of the greatest places on Earth.  It is adult Disneyland.  When guys win the Super Bowl they should say “I’m going to the Spearmint Rhino!” instead of the damn Disneyland line.  Can you imagine a sports team in Vegas…mainly an NBA team.  They would easily go 38-3 at home every year, cause every other team would be so hungover/still drunk from the previous night.  Even better idea: make the Vegas team all rookies for it’s expansion year.  They would win maybe 5 games all year, but the TV show that would follow the team could make for great entertianment.  Get me ESPN on the phone cause I smell an Emmy for Best Reality TV Show…

Where real celebrations take place...

2. 8 PM games that start closer to 8:30

If you live on the West Coast this is probably not that big of a problem, but where the majority of the country lives, this is something that is getting out of hand.  Monday Night Football starts close to 9:20 PM now and does not end until midnight.  The World Series, NBA Finals and Stanley Cup are all decided between 11 and 12 at night.  The biggest college football game of the week is the Saturday Night game…if I’ve been drinking all day at my normal pace I’m passed out by the second quarter.  Maybe it is just getting older, but these late games suck.

1. Joe Buck

Randy Moss’ “disgusting  act.”  His smugness.  His glasses.  The fact that he called games for the Cardinals.  He got his B.A. in English (alright I’m reaching for reasons to not like the guy, but honestly, nobody likes him so who cares).  The fact that some of the biggest games in my lifetime I’ve had to suffer through him calling them (D-Backs/Yankees Series; McGwire’s 62nd HR; the Red Sox winning the World Series) .  And his calling of this year’s World Series, where my hometown Phillies ended Billy Penn’s Curse, and all the jackass could talk about the whole series was the amazing season of the Rays and for some reason the Red Sox, who were home watching the series.  I admit, I just don’t like the jerkface, hence he takes this spot.

Grade A Weenie...

Here is a response to one e-mail we received in response to this post:

Dear Will,

First off I would like to thank you for the opinion and the grammar tips because they will be extremely helpful in the future. As you can see throughout your journey through the serenity of This is God Given, we make very little attempt to do legitimate sportswriting. I am basically just looking for you to smirk or chuckle to yourself as I use some terribly unwitty metaphor in describing a certain development in the sports world. I am ecstatic that you see me as annoying and encourages me to continue with my unholy antics. In summation, is that correct structure? Anyway, go read some Anne Coulter and deep throat yourself, hardass.

Sincerely,

This is God Given

On Thu, Jan 15, 2009 at 2:22 PM, Will Owen <exsquidwo@yahoo.com> wrote:

4. Sportswriters