My Future Child

The Second Coming — Sat, 15 Nov 2008 19:26:04 +0000

Although it may be a few years away, because I am not an All-American, I have mapped out a plan in grooming and training an athlete that will make Spike from Little Giants look like his favorite show is Beauty and the Geek. Oh wait, he was on that show so it’s probably a bad example, also check this video out cause they definitely went wrong somewhere. Alright so that tangent was just getting back to the fact that my future son will be an athletic specimen. Here is how I lay out his future:

Years – Pre-conception through Birth

- Find tall strong women in the mold of a Hope Solo.

- Make wife lift during pregnancy so baby is already gaining muscle.

- Have entire crowd in delivery room cheering. The earlier he gains confidence, the better.

Years – Infant through Toddler

- Alternate days tying each hand behind his back so that he becomes ambidextrous.

- Only allow him to drink milk in order to practice for his future endorsement.

- Create entire nursery made of “Heart of the Hide” leather including pigskin blankets.

- Recreate this scene so that he develops comfortability with fame that is sure to follow him.

Years – Elementary School

- Begin Bo Jackson training regimen of nightly push-ups and sit-ups.

- Commence diet of all protein, with emphasis on beef jerky

- Coach little leagues and midget football teams to develop star quality.

- Make him memorize Dougie’s Goin’ Deep articles to get the innocence out of him.

Years – Middle School

- Begin daily “Ichiro” like training schedule with a focus on the big 3 sports.

- Choose best AAU programs in basketball and baseball, but allow to still play in town for football to gain some local recognition as well as news articles.

- Don’t allow to reach peak with females just yet, has too much prove in coming years.

Years – High School

- Start training with supplements, while making sure to continue speed training. You know like Ryan Harris from Notre Dame when he was on True Life.

- Make start working labor jobs during the Summer to realize he needs to work hard to get the attention.

- Allow to start slaying girls so that he gets it out of his system before the real work starts.

- Only grant interviews to national media to increase hype.

Years – College

- Only accept draft deal if picked in first 10 picks of MLB Draft.

- Find program that will allow two to three sport participation.

- Warn him of the trials and tribulations of Travis Henry.

- Finish degree following junior year and enter MLB, NBA, and NFL drafts.

Years – Professional

- Find him a hot wife.

- Hire Scott Boras or Drew Rosenhaus.

- Pick out the house that I want and find second wife.

What You Need To Do

- Prepare yourself for The Third Coming.

Sunday Dumb Day 6/29

The Second Coming — Mon, 30 Jun 2008 01:58:36 +0000

As you revel in a day of laying on the couch and probably some jacking off to Mel B on the Singing Office, here is this week’s wrap-up.

Awful Announcing – John Daly Teeing Off Atop Kid Rock’s Budweiser Can

Coed Magazine – The Babes Of Wimbeldon

Tirico Suave – The Sports Movie Slow Clap Hall of Fame

D.C. Sports Bog – Morning Look: Four Portis Costumes!

Cuzgoogle – Favorites To Win Miss Universe

The Sports Hernia – Legendary Foreign Draft Prospects Of The NBA

The Money Shot – Hollywood NBA Lottery Mock Draft

This is God Given Sports» Draft

My Future Child

Sunday Dumb Day 6/29