Years – Pre-conception through Birth

- Find tall strong women in the mold of a Hope Solo.

- Make wife lift during pregnancy so baby is already gaining muscle.

- Have entire crowd in delivery room cheering. The earlier he gains confidence, the better.

Years – Infant through Toddler

- Alternate days tying each hand behind his back so that he becomes ambidextrous.

- Only allow him to drink milk in order to practice for his future endorsement.

- Create entire nursery made of “Heart of the Hide” leather including pigskin blankets.

- Recreate this scene so that he develops comfortability with fame that is sure to follow him.

Years – Elementary School

- Begin Bo Jackson training regimen of nightly push-ups and sit-ups.

- Commence diet of all protein, with emphasis on beef jerky

- Coach little leagues and midget football teams to develop star quality.

- Make him memorize Dougie’s Goin’ Deep articles to get the innocence out of him.

Years – Middle School

- Begin daily “Ichiro” like training schedule with a focus on the big 3 sports.

- Choose best AAU programs in basketball and baseball, but allow to still play in town for football to gain some local recognition as well as news articles.

- Don’t allow to reach peak with females just yet, has too much prove in coming years.

Years – High School

- Start training with supplements, while making sure to continue speed training. You know like Ryan Harris from Notre Dame when he was on True Life.

- Make start working labor jobs during the Summer to realize he needs to work hard to get the attention.

- Allow to start slaying girls so that he gets it out of his system before the real work starts.

- Only grant interviews to national media to increase hype.

Years – College

- Only accept draft deal if picked in first 10 picks of MLB Draft.

- Find program that will allow two to three sport participation.

- Warn him of the trials and tribulations of Travis Henry.

- Finish degree following junior year and enter MLB, NBA, and NFL drafts.

Years – Professional

- Find him a hot wife.

- Hire Scott Boras or Drew Rosenhaus.

- Pick out the house that I want and find second wife.

What You Need To Do

- Prepare yourself for The Third Coming.

1. Saracen loses starting spot to someone like Voodoo from the first season.

2. Said new starter has off-field issue and gets kicked off team, ends up in prison.

3. One of the big three (Lyla, Tyra and Julie) will get pregnant, stealing a storyline from Juno and everyother teen drama.

4. Hazing issue, i can’t believe that they’ve made it through two seasons without the obvious teabagging being addressed.

5. Buddy Garrett dies and Lyla becomes a bigger slut than Heather on I Love Money.

“At that pace the pitcher would have thrown around 500 pitches in four innings, there was a danger he could get injured.”

That may be the understatement of the year.

Also, this kid’s arm may have miraculously not bee injured in the contest, but his pride is definitely on life support. Taking a momentous shelling like this has to result in some kind of therapy. His ERA was 540, that’s 540 reasons why this kid should be on suicide watch. 

They should document the aftermath, MTV’s True Life: I am the Worst Baseball Player in the World. 

P.S. You know something that really sucks, this whole situation is going to get blamed on the current system of recruiting, which is excitement, promise and despair all rolled into one. Every player is like their own movie and I like watching. So, please don’t dwell on the way things work, dwell on the fact that this kid needs to grow up.