]]> http://thisisgodgiven.com/2009/02/10/talk-about-a-party-foul/feed/ 0 http://thisisgodgiven.com/2009/01/29/lesbians-and-athletes-matches-made-in-heaven/ http://thisisgodgiven.com/2009/01/29/lesbians-and-athletes-matches-made-in-heaven/#comments Thu, 29 Jan 2009 13:26:01 +0000 The Second Coming http://thisisgodgiven.com/?p=727 In one of my better moments I was watching Kurt Warner highlights thinking about how he met his wife while he was bagging groceries and decided to take in the divorcee and her two children. It’s is probably the most solid move I have ever heard, while simultaneously being the dumbest decision of all time. After pondering this great story, I then moved my thought process to – How can I make fun of Kurt Warner’s wife, Brenda. Other than her having a trailer park/pregnant high schooler first name, you can’t look past her haircut. So after noticing her resemblance to lesbian I developed this question. If eharmony were to match up famous lesbians and athletes, who would wind up with who?

1. Darlene from Roseanne (Sara Gilbert) / Kyle Orton – They can call them “the Muff and the Scruff.” They were made for each other as she grew up in the fictional Lanford, Illinois and you cannot forget old Dan Connor constantly wearing those Bears sweatshirts. Darlene was always into that short little guy who’s on Big Bang Theory now, so it is definitely time for her to meet a real man, especially an alpha male such as Kyle Orton and his neckbeard.  Orton would definitely be into the white trash type as he has previously shown with his alcoholic beverage choices. Anyway, these two would obviously be in the running to be featured on the next season of My Big Red Neck Wedding.

2. Ellen Degeneres / Steve Nash – Being probably the most lesbian out of this entire group, I would imagine Ellen to be matched up with one of the most feminine looking athletes on the face of the Earth. She would definitely go for the “euro” haircuts and might even be able to give him a few pointers on his Vitamin Water ads. They both also seem to be at the top of their respective games and would obviously become a pop culture power couple for the ages. I’m thinking this would be the perfect combo for a Will and Grace -esque sitcom.

3. Melissa Etheridge / Barry Zito – This seems to be a match made in heaven when it comes to the shared love of guitars. Also, It is very easy to see Zito hitting rock bottom after the past few miserable seasons. I imagine him becoming a modern day David Crosby, mustache and all. Crosby also just so happens to be the creator of the sperm that artificially inseminated Etheridge’s girlfriend on a number of occasions. Let me set the scene for you, Zito staying in San Fran, refusing to sign with another team so that he can play his guitar in coffee shops across the city. Zito’s featured song, a cover of Etheridge’s biggest hit, which he cleverly titles “I Cum In Her Window.”

Let me set the scene for you, Mr. Commissioner sits down on his couch and picks up the most recent issue of People magazine, which depicts Hugh Jackman as their latest “Sexiest Man Alive.” Goodell began to ponder who he thought was the sexiest man alive and since George Clooney took the spot a couple of years ago, he decided to go with Pacman and for this reason, let him back into the league. In lieu of this occasion I, the Second Coming, have created a cover issue for the coffeetable in the league office and more importantly, for Roger Goodell bathroom.

Most Likely to Over-Acheive – John David Booty - he went in the 5th round, but he has to be happy to go to a team where the QB job could be his by the end of next season. He’s accurate and his less than ideal arm-strength won’t hurt him too much in the west-coast offense. However, I do feel that Viking fans, as part of the NFC North, will have something to say about this whole three name thing. The name John David Booty sounds like an actor on some CW drama.

Most-Likely to become Ricky Williams – Aqib Talib - Three positive marijuana tests in college do not bode well for this first round pick. He’s going to make a lot of picks in the cover 2 if he can lay off the bong. I guess he just needs to find his anti-drug.

Most-Likely to be a Bust – Vernon Gholston- there is a reason that you didn’t see him winning many awards while he was at Ohio St. He is inconsistent and I don’t see him being a leader, which I feel is a characteristic a number 6 pick should possess. Will likely soon be known as the “ghost” for his disappearing acts. 

Most-Ready to be a Cincinnati Bengal – Jason Shirley – he’s a defensive tackle from Fresno St. He also only played 3 games his senior year after being suspended twice before being dismissed from the team entirely. Roger Goodell already has him on the Most-Wanted list.

Most-Likely to be hated by his coach – Leodis McKelvin- he is going to be a corner playing in the cover 2, who does not like to come up and make tackles. He’ll be playing for Dick Jauron, who was a defensive back himself in ’70s, which makes him not a pussy. Look for numerous remarks involving the term pansy.

Most-Likely to pull a Michael Vick – Darren McFadden – Vick’s friends were his demise, and now McFadden comes in with brother’s in rival gangs. I can see his brothers right now running a chop shop out of some warehouse that McFadden owns. My bet is that it will be called Big Rock’s Shop.