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The Phelps Conspiracy

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Aug. 26, 2008   1 Comment  

The conspiracy started August 15th as millions of people tuned in to the 100m butterfly event at the Beijing Olympics and pretended to care about who actually won. A kid from Baltimore with ADD and DUI made bars across the country almost unbearable for over an entire week. Personally, I would have rather been watching some PNC Park action, but I instead got sloshed on Studweiser pitchers to make the scene more bearable. Americans stood across the country and held their breath as Milorad Cavic of Serbia appeared to win and end Phelps’ run at eight golds. Many cared a great deal, myself not included, but as 100thofasecond.com puts it, probably none cared more than Phelps’ sponsor Omega. Omega if you did not know has sponsored Mr. Speech Impediment since 2004 and coincidentally was the official timekeeper of the race. Anyone who finds it comical that we live in the age of Loose Change and countless Michael Moore movies has to check out this site and cackle like I did watching the Bob Saget Roast. Anyway, this guy might have a point with this photo, but the real question is how many times he whacks off per day? I’m guessing 3 on average. Once to the girl on the Big Bang Theory, and at least twice to the trailer of the new Star Trek movie.

Filed Under: Insanity, International, Issues, Olympics

Just Like A Prayer, You Know I’ll Take You There: A-Rod and Jose Similarities?

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July 1, 2008   2 Comments  

alg_canseco-speaks.jpgAlex Rodriguez and Jose Canseco are two men who differ in many ways. One is at the height of his playing career, while the other is broke and embroiled in a post-career controversy. One is a Hall of Fame bound superstar, while the other is struggling to stay on reality tv. One plays for the Yankees, while the other last played for the Long Beach Armada. However, with all of these differences it’s tough to overlook the apparent similarities between two men at each end of the baseball consciousness:

Background
A-Rod and Canseco both grew up and played high school baseball in the Miami are before being drafted out of high school. Rodriguez was a highly touted prospect, but both went on to join the 40-40 club of which only four men are members. While both are members of this exclusive fraternity, one cannot overlook the best remembered highlights of their respective careers.

Signature Embarrassing Moments
First, let’s talk about Jose and the highlight that is banned from youtube by MLB. You know the highlight I’m talking about, so we’ll just say he fucked up worse than Heidi when she pissed off LC. As for A-rod, we’ll just say that he resemble either of the Hills duo with his limp-wristed slap in the ALCS.a-rod.jpg

Penchant for Playboy
Last Summer there was the Stray-Rod scandal involving a girl who was only good enough to be on Cyber Playboy. Apparently he tried to step it up a notch and get a girl that was actually in the mag, too bad it was Jose’s wife. I bet part of you wishes that happened, I can see them now as some guests on Maury because they are definitely too high profile for Jerry.

The Material Girl is En Vogue
Now, the two have one more thing in common, an obvious relationship with Madonna in which both are denying having sex. Madonna has proven over the years to be more of a nympho than Heather Graham in Boogie Nights.

Jose has already proven to be a little nuts with his appearance on Surreal Life, but A-Rod starting to seem a little too Tom Cruise for myself as a fan and L. Ron Hubbard has no place in pinstripes. Here is the inevitable headline: A-Rod and Madonna Form Scientology-Kabbalah School In Africa.

Filed Under: Books, Insanity, Issues, Media, MLB, Pop Culture, Print, Steroids, TV, Women, Yankees

T.O. And The Playmaker Molding The Minds And Bodies Of Young People

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June 18, 2008   Leave a Comment  

tositups.jpgT.O. has been having his youth football camp down in Texas the last couple years, but this year it will be a star-studded affair. First, it was recently announced that former “fastest man alive,” Maurice Green will be providing some insight on speed. This seems like a good find for Owens, Green has been coaching on the weekends since retiring and should be very helpful at the camp. Then we get to the other star that will be present at the camp, Michael Irvin. I believe his role will be like Lawrence Taylor in the Waterboy. He will be providing advice on how to stay out of trouble or more likely, advice on how to not get caught with cocaine and prostitutes. With this kind of help and a guy who may have tried to commit suicide, these kids have nowhere to go but the top of the sporting world. I will keep them in my prayers.

Filed Under: Alcohol, Cowboys, Drugs, Insanity, Issues, NFL, Prostitutes, Track