It has long been said that men are some of the easiest creatures on the planet to satisfy. Food, sports and sex – the hetero man’s three life principles, right? Well, if it were true for all men, every single woman out there would be able to find a guy.

In fact, what men want is usually the exact opposite of the stereotypes given to them. The old Greek woman summed it up rather well with their saying, paraphrased, “Men want a lamb in their kitchen but a lion in their bedrooms.”

It’s certainly not complicated, but it does take some effort on a woman’s part to know what men want out of a relationship and out of a prospective partner.

For starters, men initially work on sight and pure animal attraction. As a woman, you should work to show off your best features in a way that is appealing to a man. You don’t necessarily have be stripperish about it but, like the saying goes, accentuate the positive.

Use your nature-given gifts to entice a man’s attentions. From there, you have a solid platform to work from in order to keep those attentions.

Becoming relationship material instead of arm candy is another topic unto itself. Men are territorial by nature, and this comes across as uberjealous at times. But it’s not that – it’s just that men want to know they’re important to you and that you’re not planning on giving up the goods elsewhere.

Work on keeping his attention positive by making sure you spend the necessary time letting him know how much you care. You’ll certainly be his queen if you show him that he’s your only king.

There’s also the subject of being interesting to him. Women perceived to be floosies and dullards, while they might score a lot of men, are certainly not respected and not the types of girls they’re bringing home to meet their mothers. Women who carry themselves well, exude confidence and are goal-oriented can really stimulate a man intellectually and attract him to much more than your body.

At the end of the day, men what out of a relationship what most everyone wants – love, stability and a sense of security. All other factors are just a lead-up until that time arrives when hearts merge and a true relationship is formed.

The most important thing a woman can do to land a good relationship with a man is to truly want the man more than the relationship. Nature will handle the rest.

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1. Andres Nocioni is to white blood cells as Yao Ming is to AIDS.

2. Nocioni’s getting beat down worse than Brett Myers’ wife.

3. Yao Ming’s dropping loads all over Andres Nocioni.

1. Darlene from Roseanne (Sara Gilbert) / Kyle Orton – They can call them “the Muff and the Scruff.” They were made for each other as she grew up in the fictional Lanford, Illinois and you cannot forget old Dan Connor constantly wearing those Bears sweatshirts. Darlene was always into that short little guy who’s on Big Bang Theory now, so it is definitely time for her to meet a real man, especially an alpha male such as Kyle Orton and his neckbeard.  Orton would definitely be into the white trash type as he has previously shown with his alcoholic beverage choices. Anyway, these two would obviously be in the running to be featured on the next season of My Big Red Neck Wedding.

2. Ellen Degeneres / Steve Nash – Being probably the most lesbian out of this entire group, I would imagine Ellen to be matched up with one of the most feminine looking athletes on the face of the Earth. She would definitely go for the “euro” haircuts and might even be able to give him a few pointers on his Vitamin Water ads. They both also seem to be at the top of their respective games and would obviously become a pop culture power couple for the ages. I’m thinking this would be the perfect combo for a Will and Grace -esque sitcom.

3. Melissa Etheridge / Barry Zito – This seems to be a match made in heaven when it comes to the shared love of guitars. Also, It is very easy to see Zito hitting rock bottom after the past few miserable seasons. I imagine him becoming a modern day David Crosby, mustache and all. Crosby also just so happens to be the creator of the sperm that artificially inseminated Etheridge’s girlfriend on a number of occasions. Let me set the scene for you, Zito staying in San Fran, refusing to sign with another team so that he can play his guitar in coffee shops across the city. Zito’s featured song, a cover of Etheridge’s biggest hit, which he cleverly titles “I Cum In Her Window.”

PSAMP – LaMarr Woodley Is A Douchebag?

Cuzgoogle – Forget Mickey Rourke, Joey Graham Is “The Wrestler”

Sports Rubbish – I Love The BCS Song

Sports by Brooks – Yes, Erin Andrews Has A Sister Named Kendra & Dan Patrick Got To Hang With Both At BCS

Sons of Steve Garvey – Mets’ Pizza Patch The Laughingstock Of Baseball Uniform World

NESW – Kobe Bryant Sells Ankle Insurance

Busted Coverage – Say Hello To Your New 2009 USC Song Girls

Coed – The 2009 SI Swimsuit Issue Cover Model Short List Is Revealed!

Hugging Harold Reynolds – Cooley’s Back Side

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Let me set the scene for you, Mr. Commissioner sits down on his couch and picks up the most recent issue of People magazine, which depicts Hugh Jackman as their latest “Sexiest Man Alive.” Goodell began to ponder who he thought was the sexiest man alive and since George Clooney took the spot a couple of years ago, he decided to go with Pacman and for this reason, let him back into the league. In lieu of this occasion I, the Second Coming, have created a cover issue for the coffeetable in the league office and more importantly, for Roger Goodell bathroom.

NEW – Gay Robot – DELETED SCENE!!