Clyde Drexler recently rattled off the line, “it’s like clubbing baby seals,” in describing Andres Nocioni trying to guard Yao Ming. Here are  few one-liners that could have been worse, if used in the same situation.

1. Andres Nocioni is to white blood cells as Yao Ming is to AIDS.

2. Nocioni’s getting beat down worse than Brett Myers’ wife.

3. Yao Ming’s dropping loads all over Andres Nocioni.

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2. Shannon Sharpe

I originally had this brilliant man at #1 but changed my mind after further review.  I know that this doesn’t have anything to do with his ability as an analyst, but you can’t deny that he looks like a Clydesdale.  It’s also debateable whether Barbaro would have more intelligent things to say.

Standard example of a highlight done by Shannon: “Steve Mcnair says, I wanna pass the ball.  Todd Heap says, I’m gonna catch that pass Steve and I’m gonna score.  Referee says, Touchdown Baltimore Ravens.  Two minutes later, Andre Johnson says, I can do that too, Sage Rosenfels says I’ll pass the ball, Gary Kubiak says, I’ll take the touchdown, Touchdown Houston Texans.”

No Shannon, you’re saying that.  The players aren’t saying that, its you.  And you’re doing a terrible job while you’re saying it.

1. Football Night in America 

I didn’t know how to separate or distinguish the 7 amateurs that headline this tremendous broadcast, so I figured I’d include them as one.  And don’t worry, I’m not counting Andrea Kremer, I just couldn’t find a picture with that egomaniac Dan Patrick.

PETER KING:  Ok, we get it Peter, you have a ton of  sources and break a lot of NFL stories.  But come on, if I hear you talk about how you were “texting Brett Favre” or “talking to Adrian Peterson on the phone after the game” one more time, I’m gonna shoot my TV.  This isn’t the 9th grade dance, Peter, we’re not your girlfriends who are really impressed that you just talked to the 12th grader who’s the varsity quarterback.  Your job is to cover the NFL, which I’ll be damned, happens to involve talking to players.  Congratulations Peter, it’s the equivalent of a hooker talking to the guy she just slept with.  HD hasn’t been too kind to Mr. King either.  Crest White Strips may be needed before next season.

TIKI BARBER: Congratulations, you’re an intelligent guy.  Everyone was well aware of that throughout your whole damn career, so stop trying to use as many multi-syllabic words as possible.  And yes, I dropped that term for you Teek.  I also love your extremely awkward interviews with Giants players after a victory.  Glad to see they can’t win without you.

BOB COSTAS: Where do I start with Bob?  This ass clown belongs with the rest of those fossils who vote for the Baseball Hall of Fame.   Is he the true host?  Who the hell knows?  You can always count on him for a dynamite 2 sentence interrupted drop-in that’s neither funny nor relevant.  But hey, at least his other esteemed white old allegedly intellectual co-hosts enjoy it.

KEITH OLBERMANN: Olbermann would probably appreciate my Countdown of annoying NFL media figures.  I’m a liberal and can’t stand this bastard.  But I’m sure I’m alone in that, I mean, who doesn’t love to listen to him and Costas drool all over each other and play grab-ass with Dan Patrick for an hour every Sunday? Vegas should release a damn over-under on the number of players’ names he botches every Sunday.  I can’t even take this guy seriously anymore.  So I ask you, sir, to immediately resign.

CRIS COLLINSWORTH: I dunno if I’m spelling his name right or not, but I frankly don’t care.  This guy looks like an ostrich and has the loud raspy voice of a 30-year smoker.  You gotta love him in “The Players Room,” holding it down w/ Teek and Bus.  Everyone knows Collinsworth played for the Bengals, and he feels the need to make the same repetitive attempt at a joke when talking about how bad they are every week.  Yes Cris, we know.

JEROME BETTIS: I don’t really have a bone to pick with Bettis, but it’s guilt by association.

DAN PATRICK:  I almost forgot about this headliner.  What the hell happened since he left ESPN?  Everytime I see him on TV he looks like a wax museum figure.  The return of “The Big Show” with Olbermann has turned into an hour of these two over-the-hill sportscasters giggling and swapping inside jokes that probably aren’t funny anyway.  You can’t stop Dan Patrick, you can only hope he stops working soon.

10.  Baseball Writers’ Association of America (BBWA)

The BBWA has the proud distinction of selecting who makes the Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown, arguably the most exclusive of all of the hall of fame’s in America.  Unfortunately, the BBWA is filled with clowns who follow some ass backwards rules- namely that some of them refuse to vote for guys on the ballot the first time.  The requirements for the hall states that 75% of voters must vote for a player….in the history of Major League Baseball no man has ever received 100% of the votes (Tom Seaver came the closest with 98.84%).  Babe Ruth even missed out on 11 votes!

9.  The NHL in Warm Weather Climates

The NHL use to be great.  Use to be.  Until it decided to expand to places where hockey was a foreign word.  Until the NHL gets rid of Atlanta, Columbus (not warm weather, but seriously Columbus?), Tampa Bay, Florida, Phoenix,  and two of the California teams, I will not care.  Unless it brings back the Whalers or the Nordiques, the two teams with the best unis in the sport.

Classy...

8.  College Bowl Games

What do the San Diego County Credit Union, Papajohns.com, Roady’s,  and Gaylord Hotels all have in common?  They all sponsored bowl games, of which there are now 34 of, meaning 68 teams get to play in the college postseason (56.6% of teams in FBS).  Meanwhile,  97 teams out of 347 (27%) go to the basketball postseason in some form in college basketball (NIT included).  Bowl games used to mean something….now they mean a potential trip to Boise or Shreveport.

We're going to Idaho!

7. The Heavyweight Champion(s)

It would be great to see boxing make a return to the limelight.  Especially the heavyweight division.  But with currently 4 different men being recognized as the heavyweight champ by 5 different organizations, this isn’t going to happen anytime soon.

6. Erin Andrews Lack of Naked Pictures

How this has not happened yet is beyond me.  If this ever does come to happen, I’m convinced the Internet will blow up.

Something special

5. Bill Raftery does not Call the Final Four

Good news: Bill Packer is out.  Bad news: the most entertaining man in college basketball probably still won’t get the chance to call the Final Four and yell “Onions!” every time Mario Chalmers hits a 3 in the final seconds…

Side note: Imagine Gus Johnson alongside Bill calling anything…the could make the World Scrabble Championships must viewing…some one take this idea to ESPN before they give Jim Rome more air time….

4. Sportswriters

I thank the Internet and ESPN for killing the world of sportswriting.  Granted there are some very good ones still out there- Mike Wilbon and Rick Reilly- but there are also the likes of Jim Rome, every member of Around the Horn, Scoop Jackson and whoever else ESPN deems to be loud, obnoxious, idiotic and perfect to put on television.  Most of these guys are nothing more than wannabe jocks who are still pissed about being cut from the basketball team in tenth grade.  But unlike MJ, it didn’t drive them to be better athletes, rather it just made them want to sit on the sidelines and thrown stones.  Grantland Rice must roll in his grave everytime Jay Mariotti talks…

3.  No Sports Team in Las Vegas

Las Vegas is one of the greatest places on Earth.  It is adult Disneyland.  When guys win the Super Bowl they should say “I’m going to the Spearmint Rhino!” instead of the damn Disneyland line.  Can you imagine a sports team in Vegas…mainly an NBA team.  They would easily go 38-3 at home every year, cause every other team would be so hungover/still drunk from the previous night.  Even better idea: make the Vegas team all rookies for it’s expansion year.  They would win maybe 5 games all year, but the TV show that would follow the team could make for great entertianment.  Get me ESPN on the phone cause I smell an Emmy for Best Reality TV Show…

Where real celebrations take place...

2. 8 PM games that start closer to 8:30

If you live on the West Coast this is probably not that big of a problem, but where the majority of the country lives, this is something that is getting out of hand.  Monday Night Football starts close to 9:20 PM now and does not end until midnight.  The World Series, NBA Finals and Stanley Cup are all decided between 11 and 12 at night.  The biggest college football game of the week is the Saturday Night game…if I’ve been drinking all day at my normal pace I’m passed out by the second quarter.  Maybe it is just getting older, but these late games suck.

1. Joe Buck

Randy Moss’ “disgusting  act.”  His smugness.  His glasses.  The fact that he called games for the Cardinals.  He got his B.A. in English (alright I’m reaching for reasons to not like the guy, but honestly, nobody likes him so who cares).  The fact that some of the biggest games in my lifetime I’ve had to suffer through him calling them (D-Backs/Yankees Series; McGwire’s 62nd HR; the Red Sox winning the World Series) .  And his calling of this year’s World Series, where my hometown Phillies ended Billy Penn’s Curse, and all the jackass could talk about the whole series was the amazing season of the Rays and for some reason the Red Sox, who were home watching the series.  I admit, I just don’t like the jerkface, hence he takes this spot.

Grade A Weenie...

Here is a response to one e-mail we received in response to this post:

Dear Will,

First off I would like to thank you for the opinion and the grammar tips because they will be extremely helpful in the future. As you can see throughout your journey through the serenity of This is God Given, we make very little attempt to do legitimate sportswriting. I am basically just looking for you to smirk or chuckle to yourself as I use some terribly unwitty metaphor in describing a certain development in the sports world. I am ecstatic that you see me as annoying and encourages me to continue with my unholy antics. In summation, is that correct structure? Anyway, go read some Anne Coulter and deep throat yourself, hardass.

Sincerely,

This is God Given

On Thu, Jan 15, 2009 at 2:22 PM, Will Owen <exsquidwo@yahoo.com> wrote:

4. Sportswriters

#5 – Jake “The Snake” Roberts’ cobra snaps into the Macho Man

After losing a retirement match to Jake Roberts at Wrestlemania 7 back in 1991, Jake tied up Randy Savage in the ropes.  What was a supposed to be a quick strike by the cobra turned into an vicious attack, as the snake continued to chomp on the Macho Man’s bicept for several seconds.

#4 – There will be no funeral for the N-word on Booker T’s watch

Before he was “The King” Booker T was cutting promos with Mean Gene in WCW.  Prior to a four corners match during WCW’s Spring Stampede pay-per-view which would determine Hulk Hogan’s next opponent, Booker T drops some real talk on the Hulkster.

#3 – TNA announcers caught reading from the script

Just because the TNA promotion hasn’t been around for very long doesn’t mean they haven’t had time to completely embarass themselves.  When a match between Sting and Abyss went outside the arena, directors at the control board had no camera to switch to besides the one focused on their two announcers Don West and Mike Tenay, calling the match… without even seeing it.

#2 – When breakable glass isn’t so breakable

When Kurt Angle faced off against Shane-O-Mac in a street fight on a King of the Ring pay per view, one of the most exciting scripted spots of the night was suppose to be Shane getting tossed through a pair of glass sheets.  Known for being a part of several hardcore wrestling stunts, this shouldn’t have been such a big deal for the littlest McMahon.  But, the glass refused to break… twice.

#1 – Are you using that chair?

Old school ECW is known for not only it’s wrestlers’ hardcore style, but also for its fan’s drunken douchebaggery.  At ECW’s 1994 Hardcore Heaven, the legendary Cactus Jack and Terry Funk wrestled to a no-contest decision.  At this point,  the tag team Public Enemy stormed the ring and attacked.  The resourceful Terry Funk turned to the fans and called for a chair… and he got one, followed by hundreds more.

And on the seventh day, Tom 3:16 rested.

You Been Blinded posted these videos and I was compelled to do the same. Here is Sir Charles pounding some Patron and discussing his future with the adoring public at a fine establishment named Harrah’s. This party must have been bumpin’ with Alfonso Ribiero, aka Carlton Banks, there to treat the crowd to a little Billie Jean. I think he and I both would have preferred some Tom Jones.

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