A Blast Magazine blog
April 13, 2009 Leave a Comment
I just came back from the bar so, enough said. However, you can only imagine the amount of beer that she is going to make unsuspected college co-eds drink when she comes to America for a real education. Hopefully, her ping pong skills will not lead to a life of gambling, sex and alcohol. Man, I can’t wait for the next John Daly.
Feb. 1, 2009 Leave a Comment
Here is a link from Galactic Binder, and yes this is a site devoted entirely to Star Wars. It’s their Top 10 Star Wars-Sports Crossovers. The list is pretty classic, but there is definitely way to much George Lucas for me. That guy is the definition of a sketch. Also, how many times a day do you think the writer of this post beats off to Princess Leia in that metal bikini from Return of the Jedi. Let’s just say that the amount can only be achieved by using the Force and an absurd amount of hotel body lotion.
Jan. 22, 2009 Leave a Comment
This came over from the Kornheiser Cartel and their thoughts are in the mold of the Dougie’s Goin’ Deep posts, but with a slighlty more attractive subject. They present to you, a Day in the Life of Erin Andrews. The only thing missing is the amount of time she must spend naked in front of a mirror basking in her own magnificence and medifast coupons, because she obviously does not need them.
Jan. 20, 2009 Leave a Comment
Here is an incredible post from the Sport Count. It is entitled the National Babe Association and draws parallels between current NBA-ers and their pop culture female counter parts. Also, the use this line in their “Durant jacked up a lot of ridiculous long-range bombs, while Fox succeeded only in inspiring the jacking off of some ridiculous pant bombs.” This shit is bananas.
Jan. 15, 2009 2 Comments
Because of the demand for more annoying lists,  I’d be honored to share the 2 most annoying NFL analysts/color commentators/pregame hosts. It was pretty hard to narrow the impressive field. This one’s for you Billy Owen. By the way, next time you decide to point out mistakes and criticize, why don’t you make sure that you spell the damn name right when you’re attempting to correct the mistake? His name is Bill Raftery, not Bill Rafferty. You were truly very effective in proving your great point.
2. Shannon Sharpe
I originally had this brilliant man at #1 but changed my mind after further review. I know that this doesn’t have anything to do with his ability as an analyst, but you can’t deny that he looks like a Clydesdale. It’s also debateable whether Barbaro would have more intelligent things to say.
Standard example of a highlight done by Shannon: “Steve Mcnair says, I wanna pass the ball. Todd Heap says, I’m gonna catch that pass Steve and I’m gonna score. Referee says, Touchdown Baltimore Ravens. Two minutes later, Andre Johnson says, I can do that too, Sage Rosenfels says I’ll pass the ball, Gary Kubiak says, I’ll take the touchdown, Touchdown Houston Texans.”
No Shannon, you’re saying that. The players aren’t saying that, its you. And you’re doing a terrible job while you’re saying it.
1. Football Night in America 
I didn’t know how to separate or distinguish the 7 amateurs that headline this tremendous broadcast, so I figured I’d include them as one. And don’t worry, I’m not counting Andrea Kremer, I just couldn’t find a picture with that egomaniac Dan Patrick.
PETER KING: Ok, we get it Peter, you have a ton of sources and break a lot of NFL stories. But come on, if I hear you talk about how you were “texting Brett Favre” or “talking to Adrian Peterson on the phone after the game” one more time, I’m gonna shoot my TV. This isn’t the 9th grade dance, Peter, we’re not your girlfriends who are really impressed that you just talked to the 12th grader who’s the varsity quarterback. Your job is to cover the NFL, which I’ll be damned, happens to involve talking to players. Congratulations Peter, it’s the equivalent of a hooker talking to the guy she just slept with. HD hasn’t been too kind to Mr. King either. Crest White Strips may be needed before next season.
TIKI BARBER: Congratulations, you’re an intelligent guy. Everyone was well aware of that throughout your whole damn career, so stop trying to use as many multi-syllabic words as possible. And yes, I dropped that term for you Teek. I also love your extremely awkward interviews with Giants players after a victory. Glad to see they can’t win without you.
BOB COSTAS: Where do I start with Bob? This ass clown belongs with the rest of those fossils who vote for the Baseball Hall of Fame.  Is he the true host? Who the hell knows? You can always count on him for a dynamite 2 sentence interrupted drop-in that’s neither funny nor relevant. But hey, at least his other esteemed white old allegedly intellectual co-hosts enjoy it.
KEITH OLBERMANN: Olbermann would probably appreciate my Countdown of annoying NFL media figures. I’m a liberal and can’t stand this bastard. But I’m sure I’m alone in that, I mean, who doesn’t love to listen to him and Costas drool all over each other and play grab-ass with Dan Patrick for an hour every Sunday? Vegas should release a damn over-under on the number of players’ names he botches every Sunday. I can’t even take this guy seriously anymore. So I ask you, sir, to immediately resign.
CRIS COLLINSWORTH: I dunno if I’m spelling his name right or not, but I frankly don’t care. This guy looks like an ostrich and has the loud raspy voice of a 30-year smoker. You gotta love him in “The Players Room,” holding it down w/ Teek and Bus. Everyone knows Collinsworth played for the Bengals, and he feels the need to make the same repetitive attempt at a joke when talking about how bad they are every week. Yes Cris, we know.
JEROME BETTIS:Â I don’t really have a bone to pick with Bettis, but it’s guilt by association.
DAN PATRICK: I almost forgot about this headliner. What the hell happened since he left ESPN? Everytime I see him on TV he looks like a wax museum figure. The return of “The Big Show” with Olbermann has turned into an hour of these two over-the-hill sportscasters giggling and swapping inside jokes that probably aren’t funny anyway. You can’t stop Dan Patrick, you can only hope he stops working soon.
Jan. 14, 2009 28 Comments
With Monday’s announcement of the Baseball Hall of Fame Class of 2009, it has prompted me to look at some of the more annoying things in sports.
The BBWA has the proud distinction of selecting who makes the Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown, arguably the most exclusive of all of the hall of fame’s in America. Unfortunately, the BBWA is filled with clowns who follow some ass backwards rules- namely that some of them refuse to vote for guys on the ballot the first time. The requirements for the hall states that 75% of voters must vote for a player….in the history of Major League Baseball no man has ever received 100% of the votes (Tom Seaver came the closest with 98.84%). Babe Ruth even missed out on 11 votes!
9. The NHL in Warm Weather Climates
The NHL use to be great. Use to be. Until it decided to expand to places where hockey was a foreign word. Until the NHL gets rid of Atlanta, Columbus (not warm weather, but seriously Columbus?), Tampa Bay, Florida, Phoenix, and two of the California teams, I will not care. There should be a rule that says if you can’t get a ski rental and go skiing in your town (or nearby), you should not have a hockey team. Unless it brings back the Whalers or the Nordiques, the two teams with the best unis in the sport.
Classy...
8. College Bowl Games
What do the San Diego County Credit Union, Papajohns.com, Roady’s, and Gaylord Hotels all have in common? They all sponsored bowl games, of which there are now 34 of, meaning 68 teams get to play in the college postseason (56.6% of teams in FBS). Meanwhile, 97 teams out of 347 (27%) go to the basketball postseason in some form in college basketball (NIT included). Bowl games used to mean something….now they mean a potential trip to Boise or Shreveport.
We're going to Idaho!
7. The Heavyweight Champion(s)
It would be great to see boxing make a return to the limelight. Especially the heavyweight division. But with currently 4 different men being recognized as the heavyweight champ by 5 different organizations, this isn’t going to happen anytime soon.
In the meantime, four men on the Medifast diet and exercise regimens can continue training.
How this has not happened yet is beyond me. If this ever does come to happen, I’m convinced the Internet will blow up.
Something special
Erin Andrews is definitely a woman who has never needed a liquid diet or Medifast coupon in her life.
Good news: Bill Packer is out. Bad news: the most entertaining man in college basketball probably still won’t get the chance to call the Final Four and yell “Onions!” every time Mario Chalmers hits a 3 in the final seconds…
Side note: Imagine Gus Johnson alongside Bill calling anything…the could make the World Scrabble Championships must viewing…some one take this idea to ESPN before they give Jim Rome more air time….
I thank the Internet and ESPN for killing the world of sportswriting. Granted there are some very good ones still out there- Mike Wilbon and Rick Reilly- but there are also the likes of Jim Rome, every member of Around the Horn, Scoop Jackson and whoever else ESPN deems to be loud, obnoxious, idiotic and perfect to put on television. Most of these guys are nothing more than wannabe jocks who are still pissed about being cut from the basketball team in tenth grade. But unlike MJ, it didn’t drive them to be better athletes, rather it just made them want to sit on the sidelines and thrown stones. Grantland Rice must roll in his grave everytime Jay Mariotti talks…
Las Vegas is one of the greatest places on Earth. It is adult Disneyland. When guys win the Super Bowl they should say “I’m going to the Spearmint Rhino!” instead of the damn Disneyland line. Can you imagine a sports team in Vegas…mainly an NBA team. They would easily go 38-3 at home every year, cause every other team would be so hungover/still drunk from the previous night. Even better idea: make the Vegas team all rookies for it’s expansion year. They would win maybe 5 games all year, but the TV show that would follow the team could make for great entertianment. Get me ESPN on the phone cause I smell an Emmy for Best Reality TV Show…
Where real celebrations take place...
If you live on the West Coast this is probably not that big of a problem, but where the majority of the country lives, this is something that is getting out of hand. Monday Night Football starts close to 9:20 PM now and does not end until midnight. The World Series, NBA Finals and Stanley Cup are all decided between 11 and 12 at night. The biggest college football game of the week is the Saturday Night game…if I’ve been drinking all day at my normal pace I’m passed out by the second quarter. Maybe it is just getting older, but these late games suck.
Randy Moss’ “disgusting act.” His smugness. His glasses. The fact that he called games for the Cardinals. He got his B.A. in English (alright I’m reaching for reasons to not like the guy, but honestly, nobody likes him so who cares). The fact that some of the biggest games in my lifetime I’ve had to suffer through him calling them (D-Backs/Yankees Series; McGwire’s 62nd HR; the Red Sox winning the World Series) . And his calling of this year’s World Series, where my hometown Phillies ended Billy Penn’s Curse, and all the jackass could talk about the whole series was the amazing season of the Rays and for some reason the Red Sox, who were home watching the series. I admit, I just don’t like the jerkface, hence he takes this spot.
Grade A Weenie...
Here is a response to one e-mail we received in response to this post:
Dear Will,
First off I would like to thank you for the opinion and the grammar tips because they will be extremely helpful in the future. As you can see throughout your journey through the serenity of This is God Given, we make very little attempt to do legitimate sportswriting. I am basically just looking for you to smirk or chuckle to yourself as I use some terribly unwitty metaphor in describing a certain development in the sports world. I am ecstatic that you see me as annoying and encourages me to continue with my unholy antics. In summation, is that correct structure? Anyway, go read some Anne Coulter and deep throat yourself, hardass.
Sincerely,
This is God Given
On Thu, Jan 15, 2009 at 2:22 PM, Will Owen <exsquidwo@yahoo.com> wrote:
Dec. 14, 2008 1 Comment
As you revel in a day of laying on the couch and probably some jacking off to Lacey Underall in Caddyshack on ESPN2, here is this week’s wrap-up.
Fanhouse – Tiger Woods’ Caddie Tells Stories Of Phil Mickelson’s Man Boobs
Cuzgoogle – Now Playing: Forgetting Sam Mitchell
PSAMP – Rick Tocchet Is, And Never Was, Smart
Moondog – Why I Hate Marko Jaric
Tailgating Ideas – Layla Kiffin Looks Like A Porn Star
Hugging Harold Reynolds – Q-Tip to Leitch: Yo, What The Scenario
Awful Announcing – Wilbon: “Threesomes Keep It Interesting”
FanDome – Barry Sanders Has A Son…
Busted Coverage – Cuff ‘Em: Top 20 Sports Related Arrests of 2008
Sept. 25, 2008 Leave a Comment
Here is a link to Tirico Suave, who had a little something to say to Matt Millen in the form of some mid 90s R&B mixed in with some movie references. Well said Tirico and for you as a Lions fan, may god have mercy on your soul.
July 14, 2008 Leave a Comment
This comes from The Legend of Cecilio Guante and describes why sometimes I just want to write posts about Flavor Flav. Here is the Anatomy of a Sports Blogger Slump.
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