A Blast Magazine blog
May 20, 2009 Leave a Comment
This comes from Chad Ford’s latest mock draft and had to be the easiest speculation that he has ever made. Here is the rundown of how the Utah Jazz fill their roster.
1. Look for whitest American (ex. Matt Harpring)
2. Find white Foreigner (ex. Mehmet Okur, AK47)
3. Find black guy who went to a good school (ex. Brevin Knight, Carlos Boozer)
4. Look for best players (ex. Deron Williams)
I also think it’s hilarious how Ford tries to gloss over these facts in his “analysis”
May 4, 2009 1 Comment
This interview with Erin Andrews truly shows how much better Miss Kolber truly is. EA is talking about crying during Sleepless in Seattle and reading TMZ, while if this same interview was done with Suzy I feel the answers would be a little bit different. I could see Kolber reading WithLeather and only admit to crying after she sees a perfectly executed sweep block from the left guard. This might sound a little dykey on Kolber’s part or gay on my part, but I just don’t want to be stuck talking about who Perez Hilton thinks is going to lose their chihuahua on partybingo or be next to come out of the closet which is almost assured after hearing the thoughts of Andrews. Oh and I could guess Suzy’s dream date, he’s commonly known as The Second Coming.
Feb. 10, 2009 Leave a Comment
It’s pretty hard to believe that the police took it to this level, and the kid who tried to sell that thing on Ebay made a genius move.
Jan. 22, 2009 Leave a Comment
This came over from the Kornheiser Cartel and their thoughts are in the mold of the Dougie’s Goin’ Deep posts, but with a slighlty more attractive subject. They present to you, a Day in the Life of Erin Andrews. The only thing missing is the amount of time she must spend naked in front of a mirror basking in her own magnificence and medifast coupons, because she obviously does not need them.
Jan. 19, 2009 Leave a Comment
Saw this over on Tirico Suave and it almost resulted in me being the next person to be featured on Intervention. To me, Skip Bayless is to ESPN as Bill Lumbergh is to Office Space.
Jan. 18, 2009 Leave a Comment
As you revel in a day of laying on the couch and probably some jacking off to Beyonce in Goldmember on TBS, here is this week’s wrap-up.
PSAMP – LaMarr Woodley Is A Douchebag?
Cuzgoogle – Forget Mickey Rourke, Joey Graham Is “The Wrestler”
Sports Rubbish – I Love The BCS Song
Sports by Brooks – Yes, Erin Andrews Has A Sister Named Kendra & Dan Patrick Got To Hang With Both At BCS
Sons of Steve Garvey – Mets’ Pizza Patch The Laughingstock Of Baseball Uniform World
NESW – Kobe Bryant Sells Ankle Insurance
Busted Coverage – Say Hello To Your New 2009 USC Song Girls
Coed – The 2009 SI Swimsuit Issue Cover Model Short List Is Revealed!
Hugging Harold Reynolds – Cooley’s Back Side
The World of Isaac – The 10 Best Sports Movie Coaches
Jan. 15, 2009 2 Comments
Because of the demand for more annoying lists,  I’d be honored to share the 2 most annoying NFL analysts/color commentators/pregame hosts. It was pretty hard to narrow the impressive field. This one’s for you Billy Owen. By the way, next time you decide to point out mistakes and criticize, why don’t you make sure that you spell the damn name right when you’re attempting to correct the mistake? His name is Bill Raftery, not Bill Rafferty. You were truly very effective in proving your great point.
2. Shannon Sharpe
I originally had this brilliant man at #1 but changed my mind after further review. I know that this doesn’t have anything to do with his ability as an analyst, but you can’t deny that he looks like a Clydesdale. It’s also debateable whether Barbaro would have more intelligent things to say.
Standard example of a highlight done by Shannon: “Steve Mcnair says, I wanna pass the ball. Todd Heap says, I’m gonna catch that pass Steve and I’m gonna score. Referee says, Touchdown Baltimore Ravens. Two minutes later, Andre Johnson says, I can do that too, Sage Rosenfels says I’ll pass the ball, Gary Kubiak says, I’ll take the touchdown, Touchdown Houston Texans.”
No Shannon, you’re saying that. The players aren’t saying that, its you. And you’re doing a terrible job while you’re saying it.
1. Football Night in America 
I didn’t know how to separate or distinguish the 7 amateurs that headline this tremendous broadcast, so I figured I’d include them as one. And don’t worry, I’m not counting Andrea Kremer, I just couldn’t find a picture with that egomaniac Dan Patrick.
PETER KING: Ok, we get it Peter, you have a ton of sources and break a lot of NFL stories. But come on, if I hear you talk about how you were “texting Brett Favre” or “talking to Adrian Peterson on the phone after the game” one more time, I’m gonna shoot my TV. This isn’t the 9th grade dance, Peter, we’re not your girlfriends who are really impressed that you just talked to the 12th grader who’s the varsity quarterback. Your job is to cover the NFL, which I’ll be damned, happens to involve talking to players. Congratulations Peter, it’s the equivalent of a hooker talking to the guy she just slept with. HD hasn’t been too kind to Mr. King either. Crest White Strips may be needed before next season.
TIKI BARBER: Congratulations, you’re an intelligent guy. Everyone was well aware of that throughout your whole damn career, so stop trying to use as many multi-syllabic words as possible. And yes, I dropped that term for you Teek. I also love your extremely awkward interviews with Giants players after a victory. Glad to see they can’t win without you.
BOB COSTAS: Where do I start with Bob? This ass clown belongs with the rest of those fossils who vote for the Baseball Hall of Fame.  Is he the true host? Who the hell knows? You can always count on him for a dynamite 2 sentence interrupted drop-in that’s neither funny nor relevant. But hey, at least his other esteemed white old allegedly intellectual co-hosts enjoy it.
KEITH OLBERMANN: Olbermann would probably appreciate my Countdown of annoying NFL media figures. I’m a liberal and can’t stand this bastard. But I’m sure I’m alone in that, I mean, who doesn’t love to listen to him and Costas drool all over each other and play grab-ass with Dan Patrick for an hour every Sunday? Vegas should release a damn over-under on the number of players’ names he botches every Sunday. I can’t even take this guy seriously anymore. So I ask you, sir, to immediately resign.
CRIS COLLINSWORTH: I dunno if I’m spelling his name right or not, but I frankly don’t care. This guy looks like an ostrich and has the loud raspy voice of a 30-year smoker. You gotta love him in “The Players Room,” holding it down w/ Teek and Bus. Everyone knows Collinsworth played for the Bengals, and he feels the need to make the same repetitive attempt at a joke when talking about how bad they are every week. Yes Cris, we know.
JEROME BETTIS:Â I don’t really have a bone to pick with Bettis, but it’s guilt by association.
DAN PATRICK: I almost forgot about this headliner. What the hell happened since he left ESPN? Everytime I see him on TV he looks like a wax museum figure. The return of “The Big Show” with Olbermann has turned into an hour of these two over-the-hill sportscasters giggling and swapping inside jokes that probably aren’t funny anyway. You can’t stop Dan Patrick, you can only hope he stops working soon.
Jan. 14, 2009 28 Comments
With Monday’s announcement of the Baseball Hall of Fame Class of 2009, it has prompted me to look at some of the more annoying things in sports.
The BBWA has the proud distinction of selecting who makes the Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown, arguably the most exclusive of all of the hall of fame’s in America. Unfortunately, the BBWA is filled with clowns who follow some ass backwards rules- namely that some of them refuse to vote for guys on the ballot the first time. The requirements for the hall states that 75% of voters must vote for a player….in the history of Major League Baseball no man has ever received 100% of the votes (Tom Seaver came the closest with 98.84%). Babe Ruth even missed out on 11 votes!
9. The NHL in Warm Weather Climates
The NHL use to be great. Use to be. Until it decided to expand to places where hockey was a foreign word. Until the NHL gets rid of Atlanta, Columbus (not warm weather, but seriously Columbus?), Tampa Bay, Florida, Phoenix, and two of the California teams, I will not care. There should be a rule that says if you can’t get a ski rental and go skiing in your town (or nearby), you should not have a hockey team. Unless it brings back the Whalers or the Nordiques, the two teams with the best unis in the sport.
Classy...
8. College Bowl Games
What do the San Diego County Credit Union, Papajohns.com, Roady’s, and Gaylord Hotels all have in common? They all sponsored bowl games, of which there are now 34 of, meaning 68 teams get to play in the college postseason (56.6% of teams in FBS). Meanwhile, 97 teams out of 347 (27%) go to the basketball postseason in some form in college basketball (NIT included). Bowl games used to mean something….now they mean a potential trip to Boise or Shreveport.
We're going to Idaho!
7. The Heavyweight Champion(s)
It would be great to see boxing make a return to the limelight. Especially the heavyweight division. But with currently 4 different men being recognized as the heavyweight champ by 5 different organizations, this isn’t going to happen anytime soon.
In the meantime, four men on the Medifast diet and exercise regimens can continue training.
How this has not happened yet is beyond me. If this ever does come to happen, I’m convinced the Internet will blow up.
Something special
Erin Andrews is definitely a woman who has never needed a liquid diet or Medifast coupon in her life.
Good news: Bill Packer is out. Bad news: the most entertaining man in college basketball probably still won’t get the chance to call the Final Four and yell “Onions!” every time Mario Chalmers hits a 3 in the final seconds…
Side note: Imagine Gus Johnson alongside Bill calling anything…the could make the World Scrabble Championships must viewing…some one take this idea to ESPN before they give Jim Rome more air time….
I thank the Internet and ESPN for killing the world of sportswriting. Granted there are some very good ones still out there- Mike Wilbon and Rick Reilly- but there are also the likes of Jim Rome, every member of Around the Horn, Scoop Jackson and whoever else ESPN deems to be loud, obnoxious, idiotic and perfect to put on television. Most of these guys are nothing more than wannabe jocks who are still pissed about being cut from the basketball team in tenth grade. But unlike MJ, it didn’t drive them to be better athletes, rather it just made them want to sit on the sidelines and thrown stones. Grantland Rice must roll in his grave everytime Jay Mariotti talks…
Las Vegas is one of the greatest places on Earth. It is adult Disneyland. When guys win the Super Bowl they should say “I’m going to the Spearmint Rhino!” instead of the damn Disneyland line. Can you imagine a sports team in Vegas…mainly an NBA team. They would easily go 38-3 at home every year, cause every other team would be so hungover/still drunk from the previous night. Even better idea: make the Vegas team all rookies for it’s expansion year. They would win maybe 5 games all year, but the TV show that would follow the team could make for great entertianment. Get me ESPN on the phone cause I smell an Emmy for Best Reality TV Show…
Where real celebrations take place...
If you live on the West Coast this is probably not that big of a problem, but where the majority of the country lives, this is something that is getting out of hand. Monday Night Football starts close to 9:20 PM now and does not end until midnight. The World Series, NBA Finals and Stanley Cup are all decided between 11 and 12 at night. The biggest college football game of the week is the Saturday Night game…if I’ve been drinking all day at my normal pace I’m passed out by the second quarter. Maybe it is just getting older, but these late games suck.
Randy Moss’ “disgusting act.” His smugness. His glasses. The fact that he called games for the Cardinals. He got his B.A. in English (alright I’m reaching for reasons to not like the guy, but honestly, nobody likes him so who cares). The fact that some of the biggest games in my lifetime I’ve had to suffer through him calling them (D-Backs/Yankees Series; McGwire’s 62nd HR; the Red Sox winning the World Series) . And his calling of this year’s World Series, where my hometown Phillies ended Billy Penn’s Curse, and all the jackass could talk about the whole series was the amazing season of the Rays and for some reason the Red Sox, who were home watching the series. I admit, I just don’t like the jerkface, hence he takes this spot.
Grade A Weenie...
Here is a response to one e-mail we received in response to this post:
Dear Will,
First off I would like to thank you for the opinion and the grammar tips because they will be extremely helpful in the future. As you can see throughout your journey through the serenity of This is God Given, we make very little attempt to do legitimate sportswriting. I am basically just looking for you to smirk or chuckle to yourself as I use some terribly unwitty metaphor in describing a certain development in the sports world. I am ecstatic that you see me as annoying and encourages me to continue with my unholy antics. In summation, is that correct structure? Anyway, go read some Anne Coulter and deep throat yourself, hardass.
Sincerely,
This is God Given
On Thu, Jan 15, 2009 at 2:22 PM, Will Owen <exsquidwo@yahoo.com> wrote:
Dec. 14, 2008 1 Comment
As you revel in a day of laying on the couch and probably some jacking off to Lacey Underall in Caddyshack on ESPN2, here is this week’s wrap-up.
Fanhouse – Tiger Woods’ Caddie Tells Stories Of Phil Mickelson’s Man Boobs
Cuzgoogle – Now Playing: Forgetting Sam Mitchell
PSAMP – Rick Tocchet Is, And Never Was, Smart
Moondog – Why I Hate Marko Jaric
Tailgating Ideas – Layla Kiffin Looks Like A Porn Star
Hugging Harold Reynolds – Q-Tip to Leitch: Yo, What The Scenario
Awful Announcing – Wilbon: “Threesomes Keep It Interesting”
FanDome – Barry Sanders Has A Son…
Busted Coverage – Cuff ‘Em: Top 20 Sports Related Arrests of 2008
Aug. 28, 2008 Leave a Comment
The Onion apparently thinks that the left eye of the man who coins the worst catch-phrases of all-time will be going the way of Keith Olberman and making the jump to the Joe Buck network.
On BlastMagazine.com