A Blast Magazine blog
April 9, 2009 Leave a Comment
Taking a page out of Major League, a high school baseball team in Tampa recently killed a snake and buried on their field to hopefully turn around their season. The coach of the team was present and has since been removed from his position.The greatest thing would be if PETA started showing up at this team’s games living their new slogan, I’d Rather Go Naked Than Wear Fur. 
March 30, 2009 1 Comment
My personal friends over at FATAWESOME have ventured into the sports world with their videos. Start protecting your manhood, because they will soon castrate the entire sports community.
Feb. 11, 2009 Leave a Comment
Hopefully, he competes in 2012 and walks up to the pool playing this song. And then get caught with a bong again after he wins a few golds. He could be Van Wilder, but never spend one day in class and possibly continue to have a life that people dream about. (other than having to wear speedos)
Feb. 10, 2009 Leave a Comment
It’s pretty hard to believe that the police took it to this level, and the kid who tried to sell that thing on Ebay made a genius move.
Feb. 9, 2009 Leave a Comment
I don;t know the story behind this scene, but it got pretty ugly when some fans started to get in the face of Chris Jericho of the WWE. There were some pretty good heckles thrown out there like Monday Night Jackoff, but when he sticks a girl with a quick right, you know that some line was crossed. Let’s see how Vince works this story into the script.
Feb. 4, 2009 Leave a Comment
Clyde Drexler recently rattled off the line, “it’s like clubbing baby seals,” in describing Andres Nocioni trying to guard Yao Ming. Here are few one-liners that could have been worse, if used in the same situation.
1. Andres Nocioni is to white blood cells as Yao Ming is to AIDS.
2. Nocioni’s getting beat down worse than Brett Myers’ wife.
3. Yao Ming’s dropping loads all over Andres Nocioni.
Feb. 3, 2009 Leave a Comment
Here are a couple interviews, one each for the King of Pop and the Steeler safety respectively. The first is of Jacko doing what he does best, being creepy and off-putting. The second is of Polamalu on the 700 Club, where he probably had a leg-press competition with Pat Robertson. Watch these two videos and you will notice that their voices are eerily similar. Hopefully Troy doesn’t start sleeping with other people’s kids in his bed. That might be a tough one to talk about in the lockerroom, which is oddly enough one place that MJ would pay to be.
Feb. 3, 2009 6 Comments
The Steeler Fight Song has been taking some bashing following their 6th Championship, and to tell you the truth it’s pretty terrible. However, the sheer number of songs that come out of Pittsburgh is incredible. Basically, I just wanted to post the best sports song ever created. It was played before the AFC Championship back in 2004 on WDVE. It is eloquently titled Tom Brady’s a Cunt. And yes I have posted this before.
[audio:http://thisisgodgiven.com/files/2008/09/tom-bradys-a-cnt.mp3]
Feb. 1, 2009 Leave a Comment
Here is a link from Galactic Binder, and yes this is a site devoted entirely to Star Wars. It’s their Top 10 Star Wars-Sports Crossovers. The list is pretty classic, but there is definitely way to much George Lucas for me. That guy is the definition of a sketch. Also, how many times a day do you think the writer of this post beats off to Princess Leia in that metal bikini from Return of the Jedi. Let’s just say that the amount can only be achieved by using the Force and an absurd amount of hotel body lotion.
Jan. 29, 2009 1 Comment
7 AM: Roll over in bed and say to my wife, “You’ve gotta ask yourself one question, do you know what it’s like to play in the National Football League?â€
7:01 AM: My wife responds by kicking me in the groin after realizing that I pissed in the bed again. Yet another flashback to my playing days.
7:15 AM: Roll out of bed and limp to the bathroom. Wingo and I have NFL Live today, and I’ve gotta study my lines before we go on-air. Absolutely no question we’re talking about the National Football League.
7:30 AM: Call my son and ask him how his “goat†is growing in. He seems drunk and pissed off and asks me why the hell I’m calling him when its 5:30 AM in Arizona on a Friday morning. I respond by saying “You’ve gotta ask yourself one question when you’re talking about the National Football League,†and hang up.
10:00 AM: I arrive at the ESPN campus after getting lost again. I see my boy Wingo sittin’ in the studio reading over some stats and news from the night before. I tell him that I’ve been studying my lines and am ready for the show. He proceeds to inform me that I had been reading my 3-sentence part for my monthly appearance on Guiding Light. Shit.
10:02 AM: Wingo asks me how I’m doing.
1:14 PM: After thinking about it, I respond, “Absolutely no question about the National Football League, I’m talking about the National Football League, no question.â€
2:03 PM: I just finished my lunch: 4 EAS bars and some Bengay for my knees. You’ve gotta absolutely ask yourself the question, “hey stink was all the pain and suffering worth it?”
2:08 PM: As far as I’m concerned the National Football League and blitz packages are absolutely worth more than my family. No question, now you ask yourself.
2:39 PM: My phone rings. . . It’s Sears. The Suits on the other end want me to promote a new ultimate football experience. I tell them that the true ultimate football experience is absolutely no question in the trenches of the National Football League where the true tough guys play. John Elway, I played with him. Brett Favre no question, leadership, football, national, ask yourself.”
3:45 PM: I’ve just changed into my new brown and white pinstripe suit. We’re talkin about Perry Ellis, National Football League, Super Bowl.
3:58: We’re just about to go on the air when I get a call from the Suits at the Life Time Network . They’re coming over this weekend to film more of my family’s upcoming reality show. We’re talkin about. Stink Schlereth. on a channel. designed for women. Absolutely, from a football and physical man standpoint, you’ve gotta ask yourself if you’re humbled by the honor, no question I asked myself, talkin about absolutely.
4:00 PM: Me and Trey go on the air. I make sure to relate any NFL story to the fact that I played with John Elway.
4:17 PM: I stop the show to mention that I played with John Elway once again and ask the entire viewing audience, “When you step in that National Footbal League locker room and put that jersey on, you’re representing the National Football League. Absolutely, no question, you’ve gotta ask yourself if you’re that football team.â€
4:18 PM: Wingo asks me what the hell I’m talking about.
4:21 PM: Let me tell you what, you know what,Usain Bolt, no question football absolutely i know fast guys, send them in no question. We’re talkin about physical, line up and hit you in the mouth physicality football, on and off the field no question they’re a physical football team.
4:23 PM: I walk over to the EA Sports Virtual Field and can’t find any of the players I see when I’m watching on TV. Absolutely, no question, I’ve gotta ask myself where the players are.
4:30 PM: I spent 7 minutes on the virtual field analyzing the 6 yard quick-out pattern yard by yard and stressing the importance of getting the National Football League football into the wide receiver’s hands who is wearing National Football League sponsored gloves. Lastly, I divulged some information that most analysts do not even know… absolutely no question that football is a ’physical-contact-line-up-and-hit-you-in-the-mouth-blitz-package-offensive-scheme type of game.’ Ne absolutely no question that the show’s over.
5:00 PM: I start my trip home after mapquesting my address. Those head slaps must’ve gotten the best of me during my career. By the way, I played with Elway and the Denver Broncos.
5:15 PM: My Red Dodge Ram breaks down on the side of the interstate, apparently the gas gauge wasn’t broken.
5:16 PM: I call my fellow Alaskan Governor Palin for some advice. We’re both from Alaska, but I wasn’t lucky enough to be blessed with her intelligence. Absolutely no question she could’ve been an O-Coordinator in the National Football League. You’ve gotta ask yourself that question when you’re talking about a football team.
7:00 PM: The tow truck arrives. The spare time gave me a chance to study my 3 Guiding Light sentences.
7:45 PM: I finally get home. It’s been a long day.
7:47 PM: Dive into my 8th EAS MyoPlex Bar. Absolutely no question Now I’m done.
8: 00 PM: I fall asleep watching clips of Super Bowl XXXII. Absolutely no question that Elway looked great.
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