Ravenstahl/Reed 2012

“Get After It”

10.  Baseball Writers’ Association of America (BBWA)

The BBWA has the proud distinction of selecting who makes the Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown, arguably the most exclusive of all of the hall of fame’s in America.  Unfortunately, the BBWA is filled with clowns who follow some ass backwards rules- namely that some of them refuse to vote for guys on the ballot the first time.  The requirements for the hall states that 75% of voters must vote for a player….in the history of Major League Baseball no man has ever received 100% of the votes (Tom Seaver came the closest with 98.84%).  Babe Ruth even missed out on 11 votes!

9.  The NHL in Warm Weather Climates

The NHL use to be great.  Use to be.  Until it decided to expand to places where hockey was a foreign word.  Until the NHL gets rid of Atlanta, Columbus (not warm weather, but seriously Columbus?), Tampa Bay, Florida, Phoenix,  and two of the California teams, I will not care.  There should be a rule that says if you can’t get a ski rental and go skiing in your town (or nearby), you should not have a hockey team. Unless it brings back the Whalers or the Nordiques, the two teams with the best unis in the sport.

Classy...

8.  College Bowl Games

What do the San Diego County Credit Union, Papajohns.com, Roady’s,  and Gaylord Hotels all have in common?  They all sponsored bowl games, of which there are now 34 of, meaning 68 teams get to play in the college postseason (56.6% of teams in FBS).  Meanwhile,  97 teams out of 347 (27%) go to the basketball postseason in some form in college basketball (NIT included).  Bowl games used to mean something….now they mean a potential trip to Boise or Shreveport.

We're going to Idaho!

7. The Heavyweight Champion(s)

It would be great to see boxing make a return to the limelight.  Especially the heavyweight division.  But with currently 4 different men being recognized as the heavyweight champ by 5 different organizations, this isn’t going to happen anytime soon.

In the meantime, four men on the Medifast diet and exercise regimens can continue training.

6. Erin Andrews Lack of Naked Pictures

How this has not happened yet is beyond me.  If this ever does come to happen, I’m convinced the Internet will blow up.

Something special

Erin Andrews is definitely a woman who has never needed a liquid diet or Medifast coupon in her life.

5. Bill Raftery does not Call the Final Four

Good news: Bill Packer is out.  Bad news: the most entertaining man in college basketball probably still won’t get the chance to call the Final Four and yell “Onions!” every time Mario Chalmers hits a 3 in the final seconds…

Side note: Imagine Gus Johnson alongside Bill calling anything…the could make the World Scrabble Championships must viewing…some one take this idea to ESPN before they give Jim Rome more air time….

4. Sportswriters

I thank the Internet and ESPN for killing the world of sportswriting.  Granted there are some very good ones still out there- Mike Wilbon and Rick Reilly- but there are also the likes of Jim Rome, every member of Around the Horn, Scoop Jackson and whoever else ESPN deems to be loud, obnoxious, idiotic and perfect to put on television.  Most of these guys are nothing more than wannabe jocks who are still pissed about being cut from the basketball team in tenth grade.  But unlike MJ, it didn’t drive them to be better athletes, rather it just made them want to sit on the sidelines and thrown stones.  Grantland Rice must roll in his grave everytime Jay Mariotti talks…

3.  No Sports Team in Las Vegas

Las Vegas is one of the greatest places on Earth.  It is adult Disneyland.  When guys win the Super Bowl they should say “I’m going to the Spearmint Rhino!” instead of the damn Disneyland line.  Can you imagine a sports team in Vegas…mainly an NBA team.  They would easily go 38-3 at home every year, cause every other team would be so hungover/still drunk from the previous night.  Even better idea: make the Vegas team all rookies for it’s expansion year.  They would win maybe 5 games all year, but the TV show that would follow the team could make for great entertianment.  Get me ESPN on the phone cause I smell an Emmy for Best Reality TV Show…

Where real celebrations take place...

2. 8 PM games that start closer to 8:30

If you live on the West Coast this is probably not that big of a problem, but where the majority of the country lives, this is something that is getting out of hand.  Monday Night Football starts close to 9:20 PM now and does not end until midnight.  The World Series, NBA Finals and Stanley Cup are all decided between 11 and 12 at night.  The biggest college football game of the week is the Saturday Night game…if I’ve been drinking all day at my normal pace I’m passed out by the second quarter.  Maybe it is just getting older, but these late games suck.

1. Joe Buck

Randy Moss’ “disgusting  act.”  His smugness.  His glasses.  The fact that he called games for the Cardinals.  He got his B.A. in English (alright I’m reaching for reasons to not like the guy, but honestly, nobody likes him so who cares).  The fact that some of the biggest games in my lifetime I’ve had to suffer through him calling them (D-Backs/Yankees Series; McGwire’s 62nd HR; the Red Sox winning the World Series) .  And his calling of this year’s World Series, where my hometown Phillies ended Billy Penn’s Curse, and all the jackass could talk about the whole series was the amazing season of the Rays and for some reason the Red Sox, who were home watching the series.  I admit, I just don’t like the jerkface, hence he takes this spot.

Grade A Weenie...

Here is a response to one e-mail we received in response to this post:

Dear Will,

First off I would like to thank you for the opinion and the grammar tips because they will be extremely helpful in the future. As you can see throughout your journey through the serenity of This is God Given, we make very little attempt to do legitimate sportswriting. I am basically just looking for you to smirk or chuckle to yourself as I use some terribly unwitty metaphor in describing a certain development in the sports world. I am ecstatic that you see me as annoying and encourages me to continue with my unholy antics. In summation, is that correct structure? Anyway, go read some Anne Coulter and deep throat yourself, hardass.

Sincerely,

This is God Given

On Thu, Jan 15, 2009 at 2:22 PM, Will Owen <exsquidwo@yahoo.com> wrote:

4. Sportswriters

Fanhouse – Tiger Woods’ Caddie Tells Stories Of Phil Mickelson’s Man Boobs

Cuzgoogle – Now Playing: Forgetting Sam Mitchell

PSAMP – Rick Tocchet Is, And Never Was, Smart

Moondog – Why I Hate Marko Jaric

Tailgating Ideas – Layla Kiffin Looks Like A Porn Star

Hugging Harold Reynolds – Q-Tip to Leitch: Yo, What The Scenario

Awful Announcing – Wilbon: “Threesomes Keep It Interesting”

FanDome – Barry Sanders Has A Son…

Busted Coverage – Cuff ‘Em: Top 20 Sports Related Arrests of 2008

Let me set the scene for you, Mr. Commissioner sits down on his couch and picks up the most recent issue of People magazine, which depicts Hugh Jackman as their latest “Sexiest Man Alive.” Goodell began to ponder who he thought was the sexiest man alive and since George Clooney took the spot a couple of years ago, he decided to go with Pacman and for this reason, let him back into the league. In lieu of this occasion I, the Second Coming, have created a cover issue for the coffeetable in the league office and more importantly, for Roger Goodell bathroom.

I’d like to introduce myself to all of the disciples, I’m the MESSIAH, and i’ll be your holy ghost from here on out . . .

So I’m livin here in Cleveland while I’m going to law school, and the crap I read and see about Ohio State and the Cleveland Browns makes me absolutely sick. There was an article in the Plain-Dealer yesterday, suggesting that Tressel intentionally had his team play terribly last week to “set up” USC.  I didn’t mind Ohio State before, but now I hope they lose by 40.  To make matters worse, the article cited Terry Bowden, that’s right, Terry Bowden, as the expert on these matters.  There’s a reason that grits-eating Bayou rat has been out of coaching for the last decade, and that’s because he is dumber than Vince Young taking the WonderLIc.  I gotta go now, but i’ll be back in a little bit to address the Browns.

Peace Be with you

And also with you

Background
A-Rod and Canseco both grew up and played high school baseball in the Miami are before being drafted out of high school. Rodriguez was a highly touted prospect, but both went on to join the 40-40 club of which only four men are members. While both are members of this exclusive fraternity, one cannot overlook the best remembered highlights of their respective careers.

Signature Embarrassing Moments
First, let’s talk about Jose and the highlight that is banned from youtube by MLB. You know the highlight I’m talking about, so we’ll just say he fucked up worse than Heidi when she pissed off LC. As for A-rod, we’ll just say that he resemble either of the Hills duo with his limp-wristed slap in the ALCS.

Penchant for Playboy
Last Summer there was the Stray-Rod scandal involving a girl who was only good enough to be on Cyber Playboy. Apparently he tried to step it up a notch and get a girl that was actually in the mag, too bad it was Jose’s wife. I bet part of you wishes that happened, I can see them now as some guests on Maury because they are definitely too high profile for Jerry.

The Material Girl is En Vogue
Now, the two have one more thing in common, an obvious relationship with Madonna in which both are denying having sex. Madonna has proven over the years to be more of a nympho than Heather Graham in Boogie Nights.

Jose has already proven to be a little nuts with his appearance on Surreal Life, but A-Rod starting to seem a little too Tom Cruise for myself as a fan and L. Ron Hubbard has no place in pinstripes. Here is the inevitable headline: A-Rod and Madonna Form Scientology-Kabbalah School In Africa.

1. Show Johnathan Papelbon drawing dicks on a picture of Mariano Rivera’s face.

2. Show Dmitri Young taking a dump on an opposing team’s field

3. Have Gilbert Arenas wiping his ass with his latest contract offer.