]]> http://thisisgodgiven.com/2009/02/10/talk-about-a-party-foul/feed/ 0 http://thisisgodgiven.com/2009/02/04/possible-new-sayings-for-clyde-drexler/ http://thisisgodgiven.com/2009/02/04/possible-new-sayings-for-clyde-drexler/#comments Thu, 05 Feb 2009 03:40:31 +0000 The Second Coming http://thisisgodgiven.com/?p=839 Clyde Drexler recently rattled off the line, “it’s like clubbing baby seals,” in describing Andres Nocioni trying to guard Yao Ming. Here are  few one-liners that could have been worse, if used in the same situation.

1. Andres Nocioni is to white blood cells as Yao Ming is to AIDS.

2. Nocioni’s getting beat down worse than Brett Myers’ wife.

3. Yao Ming’s dropping loads all over Andres Nocioni.

7 AM: Roll over in bed and say to my wife, “You’ve gotta ask yourself one question, do you know what it’s like to play in the National Football League?”

7:01 AM: My wife responds by kicking me in the groin after realizing that I pissed in the bed again. Yet another flashback to my playing days.

7:15 AM: Roll out of bed and limp to the bathroom. Wingo and I have NFL Live today, and I’ve gotta study my lines before we go on-air. Absolutely no question we’re talking about the National Football League.

7:30 AM: Call my son and ask him how his “goat” is growing in. He seems drunk and pissed off and asks me why the hell I’m calling him when its 5:30 AM in Arizona on a Friday morning. I respond by saying “You’ve gotta ask yourself one question when you’re talking about the National Football League,” and hang up.

10:00 AM: I arrive at the ESPN campus after getting lost again. I see my boy Wingo sittin’ in the studio reading over some stats and news from the night before. I tell him that I’ve been studying my lines and am ready for the show. He proceeds to inform me that I had been reading my 3-sentence part for my monthly appearance on Guiding Light. Shit.

10:02 AM: Wingo asks me how I’m doing.

1:14 PM: After thinking about it, I respond, “Absolutely no question about the National Football League, I’m talking about the National Football League, no question.”

2:03 PM: I just finished my lunch: 4 EAS bars and some Bengay for my knees.  You’ve gotta absolutely ask yourself the question, “hey stink was all the pain and suffering worth it?”

2:08 PM: As far as I’m concerned the National Football League and blitz packages are absolutely worth more than my family.  No question, now you ask yourself.

2:39 PM: My phone rings. . . It’s Sears.  The Suits on the other end want me to promote a new ultimate football experience.  I tell them that the true ultimate football experience is absolutely no question in the trenches of the National Football League where the true tough guys play.  John Elway, I played with him.  Brett Favre no question, leadership, football, national, ask yourself.”

3:45 PM: I’ve just changed into my new brown and white pinstripe suit. We’re talkin about Perry Ellis, National Football League, Super Bowl.

3:58: We’re just about to go on the air when I get a call from the Suits at the Life Time Network .  They’re coming over this weekend to film more of my family’s upcoming reality show.  We’re talkin about. Stink Schlereth. on a channel. designed for women.  Absolutely, from a football and physical man standpoint, you’ve gotta ask yourself if you’re humbled by the honor, no question I asked myself, talkin about absolutely.

4:00 PM: Me and Trey go on the air. I make sure to relate any NFL story to the fact that I played with John Elway.

4:17 PM: I stop the show to mention that I played with John Elway once again and ask the entire viewing audience, “When you step in that National Footbal League locker room and put that jersey on, you’re representing the National Football League. Absolutely, no question, you’ve gotta ask yourself if you’re that football team.”

4:18 PM: Wingo asks me what the hell I’m talking about.

4:21 PM: Let me tell you what, you know what,Usain Bolt, no question football absolutely i know fast guys, send them  in no question.  We’re talkin about physical, line up and hit you in the mouth physicality football, on and off the field no question they’re a physical football team.

4:23 PM: I walk over to the EA Sports Virtual Field and can’t find any of the players I see when I’m watching on TV. Absolutely, no question, I’ve gotta ask myself where the players are.

4:30 PM: I spent 7 minutes on the virtual field  analyzing the 6 yard quick-out pattern yard by yard and stressing the importance of getting the National Football League football into the wide receiver’s hands who is wearing National Football League sponsored gloves. Lastly, I divulged some information that most analysts do not even know… absolutely no question that football is a ’physical-contact-line-up-and-hit-you-in-the-mouth-blitz-package-offensive-scheme type of game.’  Ne absolutely no question that the show’s over.

5:00 PM: I start my trip home after mapquesting my address. Those head slaps must’ve gotten the best of me during my career. By the way, I played with Elway and the Denver Broncos.

5:15 PM: My Red Dodge Ram breaks down on the side of the interstate, apparently the gas gauge wasn’t broken.

5:16 PM: I call my fellow Alaskan Governor Palin for some advice. We’re both from Alaska, but I wasn’t lucky enough to be blessed with her intelligence. Absolutely no question she could’ve been an O-Coordinator in the National Football League. You’ve gotta ask yourself that question when you’re talking about a football team.

7:00 PM: The tow truck arrives. The spare time gave me a chance to study my 3 Guiding Light sentences.

7:45 PM: I finally get home. It’s been a long day.

7:47 PM: Dive into my 8^th EAS MyoPlex Bar. Absolutely no question Now I’m done.

8: 00 PM: I fall asleep watching clips of Super Bowl XXXII. Absolutely no question that Elway looked great.

1. Darlene from Roseanne (Sara Gilbert) / Kyle Orton – They can call them “the Muff and the Scruff.” They were made for each other as she grew up in the fictional Lanford, Illinois and you cannot forget old Dan Connor constantly wearing those Bears sweatshirts. Darlene was always into that short little guy who’s on Big Bang Theory now, so it is definitely time for her to meet a real man, especially an alpha male such as Kyle Orton and his neckbeard.  Orton would definitely be into the white trash type as he has previously shown with his alcoholic beverage choices. Anyway, these two would obviously be in the running to be featured on the next season of My Big Red Neck Wedding.

2. Ellen Degeneres / Steve Nash – Being probably the most lesbian out of this entire group, I would imagine Ellen to be matched up with one of the most feminine looking athletes on the face of the Earth. She would definitely go for the “euro” haircuts and might even be able to give him a few pointers on his Vitamin Water ads. They both also seem to be at the top of their respective games and would obviously become a pop culture power couple for the ages. I’m thinking this would be the perfect combo for a Will and Grace -esque sitcom.

3. Melissa Etheridge / Barry Zito – This seems to be a match made in heaven when it comes to the shared love of guitars. Also, It is very easy to see Zito hitting rock bottom after the past few miserable seasons. I imagine him becoming a modern day David Crosby, mustache and all. Crosby also just so happens to be the creator of the sperm that artificially inseminated Etheridge’s girlfriend on a number of occasions. Let me set the scene for you, Zito staying in San Fran, refusing to sign with another team so that he can play his guitar in coffee shops across the city. Zito’s featured song, a cover of Etheridge’s biggest hit, which he cleverly titles “I Cum In Her Window.”

In all the Superbowl hype, I could not get over the resemblance between Rev Run and the soon to be marketing marvel, Larry Fitzgerald. So, even though Run’s House has come to a close, we can still hope for some cameos on Daddy’s Girls.