This is God Given » MLB

The Most Obvious Mock Draft Pick Of All-Time

The Second Coming — Wed, 20 May 2009 15:54:58 +0000

This comes from Chad Ford’s latest mock draft and had to be the easiest speculation that he has ever made. Here is the rundown of how the Utah Jazz fill their roster.

1. Look for whitest American (ex. Matt Harpring)

2. Find white Foreigner (ex. Mehmet Okur, AK47)

3. Find black guy who went to a good school (ex. Brevin Knight, Carlos Boozer)

4. Look for best players (ex. Deron Williams)

I also think it’s hilarious how Ford tries to gloss over these facts in his “analysis”

BaBa Booey, BaBa Blows It

The Second Coming — Mon, 11 May 2009 17:10:25 +0000

In watching Howard TV that last few days, there has been a lot of conversation regarding Gary throwing out the first pitch at a Mets game. Well, it happened this Sunday and the talk he had with a sports psychologist obviously didn’t do the trick. Stay tuned as I try to find a nice little story about Bob Uecker from Howard TV.

Jobu Is Pleased

The Second Coming — Thu, 09 Apr 2009 17:08:22 +0000

Taking a page out of Major League, a high school baseball team in Tampa recently killed a snake and buried on their field to hopefully turn around their season. The coach of the team was present and has since been removed from his position.The greatest thing would be if PETA started showing up at this team’s games living their new slogan, I’d Rather Go Naked Than Wear Fur.

Possible New Sayings For Clyde Drexler

The Second Coming — Thu, 05 Feb 2009 03:40:31 +0000

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Clyde Drexler recently rattled off the line, “it’s like clubbing baby seals,” in describing Andres Nocioni trying to guard Yao Ming. Here areÂ few one-liners that could have been worse, if used in the same situation.

1. Andres Nocioni is to white blood cells as Yao Ming is to AIDS.

2. Nocioni’s getting beat down worse than Brett Myers’ wife.

3. Yao Ming’s dropping loads all over Andres Nocioni.

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Superbowl Update: Cal Ripken And Pat Riley Drink Together

The Second Coming — Sun, 01 Feb 2009 16:38:02 +0000

I was out last night at Champion’s in downtown Tampa and spotted a few big names in the sporting world. First it was Gary Sheffield with a 10-person entourage in tow. He was managing to fend off some middle aged autographed seekers in order to take as many pictures with girls as possible. Later however as the bar was closing, I not a certain bronzed, slick-haired indivual stroll past straight to the back of the bar. It just so happened to be P Riles and a entourage of his own (fat middle aged white guys). Aside from the sportcoat mafia he was with, I noticed one more man stroll past. My eyes couldn’t help, but stare as the living myth himself, an immortal, Cal Ripken Jr. worked his way to the back of the bar to have a few drinks with Mr. Three-Peat. There could have been a ton of different topics thrown around in their conversation last night, but I think I’m banking that Riley was just throwing out fashion tips left and right.

Lesbians And Athletes, Matches Made In Heaven

The Second Coming — Thu, 29 Jan 2009 13:26:01 +0000

In one of my better moments I was watching Kurt Warner highlights thinking about how he met his wife while he was bagging groceries and decided to take in the divorcee and her two children. It’s is probably the most solid move I have ever heard, while simultaneously being the dumbest decision of all time. After pondering this great story, I then moved my thought process to – How can I make fun of Kurt Warner’s wife, Brenda. Other than her having a trailer park/pregnant high schooler first name, you can’t look past her haircut. So after noticing her resemblance to lesbian I developed this question. If eharmony were to match up famous lesbians and athletes, who would wind up with who?

1. Darlene from Roseanne (Sara Gilbert) / Kyle Orton – They can call them “the Muff and the Scruff.” They were made for each other as she grew up in the fictional Lanford, Illinois and you cannot forget old Dan Connor constantly wearing those Bears sweatshirts. Darlene was always into that short little guy who’s on Big Bang Theory now, so it is definitely time for her to meet a real man, especially an alpha male such as Kyle Orton and his neckbeard.Â Orton would definitely be into the white trash type as he has previously shown with his alcoholic beverage choices. Anyway, these two would obviously be in the running to be featured on the next season of My Big Red Neck Wedding.

2. Ellen Degeneres / Steve Nash – Being probably the most lesbian out of this entire group, I would imagine Ellen to be matched up with one of the most feminine looking athletes on the face of the Earth. She would definitely go for the “euro” haircuts and might even be able to give him a few pointers on his Vitamin Water ads. They both also seem to be at the top of their respective games and would obviously become a pop culture power couple for the ages. I’m thinking this would be the perfect combo for a Will and Grace -esque sitcom.

3. Melissa Etheridge / Barry Zito – This seems to be a match made in heaven when it comes to the shared love of guitars. Also, It is very easy to see Zito hitting rock bottom after the past few miserable seasons. I imagine him becoming a modern day David Crosby, mustache and all. Crosby also just so happens to be the creator of the sperm that artificially inseminated Etheridge’s girlfriend on a number of occasions. Let me set the scene for you, Zito staying in San Fran, refusing to sign with another team so that he can play his guitar in coffee shops across the city. Zito’s featured song, a cover of Etheridge’s biggest hit, which he cleverly titles “I Cum In Her Window.”

Yes We Can, Buy This Shirt

The Second Coming — Mon, 19 Jan 2009 23:28:18 +0000

I am a t-shirt connoisseur who has been collecting more “Sucks and Swallows” t-shirts than I know what do do with (starting with the timeless phrase Dallas Sucks, Jerry Jones Swallows). However, I am definitely more likely to wear a clever t-shirt such as the one that states “Jeter Drinks Wine coolers.” Here a couple over the top ones involving Mike Tomlin that will definitely stand the test of time, unlike this one which won’t make sense in 8 years.

Sunday Dumb Day 12/14

The Second Coming — Sun, 14 Dec 2008 07:00:59 +0000

As you revel in a day of laying on the couch and probably some jacking off to Lacey Underall in Caddyshack on ESPN2, here is this weekâ€™s wrap-up.

Fanhouse – Tiger Woods’ Caddie Tells Stories Of Phil Mickelson’s Man Boobs

Cuzgoogle – Now Playing: Forgetting Sam Mitchell

PSAMP – Rick Tocchet Is, And Never Was, Smart

Moondog – Why I Hate Marko Jaric

Tailgating Ideas – Layla Kiffin Looks Like A Porn Star

Hugging Harold Reynolds – Q-Tip to Leitch: Yo, What The Scenario

Awful Announcing – Wilbon: “Threesomes Keep It Interesting”

FanDome – Barry Sanders Has A Son…

Busted Coverage – Cuff ‘Em: Top 20 Sports Related Arrests of 2008

Wikipedia Hates Dave Littlefield

The Second Coming — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 18:07:23 +0000

I was notified of this revelation through a Facebook wall post and I appreciate it. Here is an excerpt from the Wikipedia page for former Pirates GM, Dave Littlefield. I read through the entire page before coming across a moment of sheer brilliance. Check out the last line of the entry and you can see it states, “Currently, Littlefield has been seen living under the Roberto Clemente Bridge, occasionally rising to the surface to play the saxophone and beg for spare change.” I know that this happens all the time on wikipedia and this will probably be changed, but the fact that someone took the time to belittle a former Pirates GM should not go overlooked. Not to mention his jab that was able to incorporate a little local flavor.

Sunday Dumb Day 11/23

The Second Coming — Sun, 23 Nov 2008 07:41:00 +0000

As you revel in a day of laying on the couch and probably some jacking off to Rihanna performing on the American Music Awards, here is this weekâ€™s wrap-up.

Mr. Irrelevant – Wait, The Redskins Had An Actual Mascot

Empty the Bench – The NBA’s Most Depressing Players of 2008-09

The Sports Culture – The Many Gang Sings of OJ Mayo

Big League Stew – Dave Parker And The Greatest Shirt In The History Of Shirts

Gunaxin – The All-Whitey Basketball Team

Alana G – The REAL Shaq Is Really Twittering

The World of Isaac – Stacy Keibler Vs. Blair O’Neal

FanIQ – Denver Nuggets Cheerleader Makes Announcers Go Speechless

Blaze of Love – The NBA Ugly List

Yardbarker – Sheed’s Nicknames For His Teammates

Pittsburgh Sports And Miniature Ponies – Sydney Crosby Is Good At Soccer, Too