We all like sports and root for our teams, but this queer takes it to a new level. To make it worse, this kid is getting egged on by girls, when does that happen? This kid reminds me of when Jerry O’Connell cries in Stand By Me. By the way, this video has been posted everywhere and you’ve probably already seen it, but I had to get my pop culture reference out there.
In one of my better moments I was watching Kurt Warner highlights thinking about how he met his wife while he was bagging groceries and decided to take in the divorcee and her two children. It’s is probably the most solid move I have ever heard, while simultaneously being the dumbest decision of all time. After pondering this great story, I then moved my thought process to – How can I make fun of Kurt Warner’s wife, Brenda. Other than her having a trailer park/pregnant high schooler first name, you can’t look past her haircut. So after noticing her resemblance to lesbian I developed this question. If eharmony were to match up famous lesbians and athletes, who would wind up with who?
1. Darlene from Roseanne (Sara Gilbert) / Kyle Orton – They can call them “the Muff and the Scruff.” They were made for each other as she grew up in the fictional Lanford, Illinois and you cannot forget old Dan Connor constantly wearing those Bears sweatshirts. Darlene was always into that short little guy who’s on Big Bang Theory now, so it is definitely time for her to meet a real man, especially an alpha male such as Kyle Orton and his neckbeard.Â Orton would definitely be into the white trash type as he has previously shown with his alcoholic beverage choices. Anyway, these two would obviously be in the running to be featured on the next season of My Big Red Neck Wedding.
2. Ellen Degeneres / Steve Nash – Being probably the most lesbian out of this entire group, I would imagine Ellen to be matched up with one of the most feminine looking athletes on the face of the Earth. She would definitely go for the “euro” haircuts and might even be able to give him a few pointers on his Vitamin Water ads. They both also seem to be at the top of their respective games and would obviously become a pop culture power couple for the ages. I’m thinking this would be the perfect combo for a Will and Grace -esque sitcom.
3. Melissa Etheridge / Barry Zito – This seems to be a match made in heaven when it comes to the shared love of guitars. Also, It is very easy to see Zito hitting rock bottom after the past few miserable seasons. I imagine him becoming a modern day David Crosby, mustache and all. Crosby also just so happens to be the creator of the sperm that artificially inseminated Etheridge’s girlfriend on a number of occasions. Let me set the scene for you, Zito staying in San Fran, refusing to sign with another team so that he can play his guitar in coffee shops across the city. Zito’s featured song, a cover of Etheridge’s biggest hit, which he cleverly titles “I Cum In Her Window.”
2008-12-01 2 Comments
2008-11-30 Leave a Comment
This news is old, I know. However, the comparison had to be made to Cheddar Bob from the film classic 8 Mile. Thanks for helping my fantasy team Plax.
2008-11-10 Leave a Comment
2008-05-08 1 Comment
My roommate came home last night and told me that a New York Giant was on the Stern show and was interning for the day, that player was Antontio Pierce. Apparently, Pierce just showed up that day and asked if he could intern because he wants to get into broadcasting after he retires. It made for some good radio as he entered the studio as the King of All Blackswas on, the king promptly asked what kind of faucets Pierce had in his house. The questioning then went to Stern, whose inquiries rangedÂ from his penis size to the sexuality of teammates. He was also questioned about his age when he first had sex, Pierce would not give up the fact but someone in the studio guessed 9. If it is even close to that, then it was obvious that he was going to be a pro athlete. Pierce went on to get coffee, answer phones and observe some directing. The highlight of the day however was when Pierce towel whipped Sal and Richard so bad that it sounded like they were going to cry. I’m hoping that some moreÂ athletes head over to the Stern show to be interviewed, who could next and what would Howard ask them?
Pac Man Jones
Â Â Â Â Question: How much money did you rain on those hos?
Â Â Â Â Question: So, do you consider yourself a sex offenderÂ or just a perv?
Â Â Â Â Question: How much money have you made for Valtrex in your career?
Â Â Â Â Question: Does Miss Kentucky sport some bluegrass?
Â Â Â Â Question: How wasÂ Hunka BunkaÂ last night?
Â Â Â Â Question: How many guys did you have sex with this week?
Â Â Â Â Question: So, are you ready to ride the Sybian?
2008-04-29 Leave a Comment
Yesterday, it was announced that Barry Zito will be headed to the bullpenÂ after an 0-6 start to season and a 7.53 ERA. I’m pretty sure that Zito will enjoy the low-key persona ofÂ being aÂ long-reliever, and he’ll enjoy the rest of that $126 million contract as well. I also feel like Barry’s going to have too much free time out in there in theÂ pen. With nothing really to do, I could see him right now in the corner of the outfieldÂ practicing yoga or experimenting with a variety of hallucinogens. So, to prevent the demise of the 2002 Cy Young Award winner, hereÂ are some things that Barry Zito needs to do to get back in the rotation:
1. Get more intense – the lackadaisical attitude might work as a youngster aggravating the veterans into poor at-bats, but as a veteranÂ he has to get some attitude and show the younger guysÂ why heÂ won a Cy Young.
2. Take some pressure off, give back some money – I’m only saying this because less pressure would help, and he surely doesn’t need $126 million withÂ a lifestyle of living on the beach and playing the guitar, okay, maybe that salary does come in handy with the amount of BirckenstocksÂ he probably owns.
3. ChangeÂ first name -Â he was named after a “freethinker” brother ofÂ his mother’s whom she once described as “the original beatnik.” Also, the quotes in that link kind of make me want to go watch porn, eat beef jerky, smoke cigarsÂ and drink some Natty in order to counteract the stuff I just read.
Basically, Barry, follow these 3 steps, go watch some Denis Leary comedy and take it seriously.
2008-03-25 Leave a Comment
Breakout wide reciever of the Denver Broncos, Brandon Marshall, had surgery yesterday after severing anÂ artery, vein andÂ nerve in his forearm along with tendons to five muscles. This accident occured after slipping on a McDonalds bag forcing his arm through an entertainment center. After reading this story I wanted a #2, and I went and got one, now I’m Lovin’ It.
Here’s Jeff Kent staying country in San Fran back in 2002, as he broke his wrist washing his truck that had a lift kit.
Adam Eaton of the Padres missed a start in 2001 after stabbing himself in the stomach while trying to open a new cd.
How about Joel Zumaya making like a 12 year oldÂ and injuring himself by playing too much Guitar Hero.
My favorite injury however would have to be the mishap that occurred in the Jacksonville Jaguars locker room in 2003. In Jack Del Rio first season he used the slogan “Keep Chopping Wood” which included the introduction of an ax and stump in the locker room as a symbol. Punter, yes punter, Chris Hanson found this to be an appropriate venue to do some actual chopping like something out of the Great Outdoor Games (they really are great). While weilding the ax, Hanson mistakenly gashed hisÂ kicking foot requiring surgery, stichesÂ and 4-6 weeks off the field. Del Rio should just be happy that Ax Men wasn’t on back in ’03, might have given them too many ideas, namely John Henderson.