1. Darlene from Roseanne (Sara Gilbert) / Kyle Orton – They can call them “the Muff and the Scruff.” They were made for each other as she grew up in the fictional Lanford, Illinois and you cannot forget old Dan Connor constantly wearing those Bears sweatshirts. Darlene was always into that short little guy who’s on Big Bang Theory now, so it is definitely time for her to meet a real man, especially an alpha male such as Kyle Orton and his neckbeard.  Orton would definitely be into the white trash type as he has previously shown with his alcoholic beverage choices. Anyway, these two would obviously be in the running to be featured on the next season of My Big Red Neck Wedding.

2. Ellen Degeneres / Steve Nash – Being probably the most lesbian out of this entire group, I would imagine Ellen to be matched up with one of the most feminine looking athletes on the face of the Earth. She would definitely go for the “euro” haircuts and might even be able to give him a few pointers on his Vitamin Water ads. They both also seem to be at the top of their respective games and would obviously become a pop culture power couple for the ages. I’m thinking this would be the perfect combo for a Will and Grace -esque sitcom.

3. Melissa Etheridge / Barry Zito – This seems to be a match made in heaven when it comes to the shared love of guitars. Also, It is very easy to see Zito hitting rock bottom after the past few miserable seasons. I imagine him becoming a modern day David Crosby, mustache and all. Crosby also just so happens to be the creator of the sperm that artificially inseminated Etheridge’s girlfriend on a number of occasions. Let me set the scene for you, Zito staying in San Fran, refusing to sign with another team so that he can play his guitar in coffee shops across the city. Zito’s featured song, a cover of Etheridge’s biggest hit, which he cleverly titles “I Cum In Her Window.”

so click over.

Pac Man Jones

     Question: How much money did you rain on those hos?

Karl Malone

     Question: So, do you consider yourself a sex offender or just a perv?

Chris Henry

     Question: What do you get out of buying some underage girls alcohol, a blumpkin?

Derek Jeter

     Question: How much money have you made for Valtrex in your career?

Randy Moss

     Question: Does Miss Kentucky sport some bluegrass?

Jeff Reed

     Question: How was Hunka Bunka last night?

Jeff Garcia

     Question: How many guys did you have sex with this week?

Amanda Beard

     Question: So, are you ready to ride the Sybian?

1. Get more intense – the lackadaisical attitude might work as a youngster aggravating the veterans into poor at-bats, but as a veteran he has to get some attitude and show the younger guys why he won a Cy Young.

2. Take some pressure off, give back some money – I’m only saying this because less pressure would help, and he surely doesn’t need $126 million with a lifestyle of living on the beach and playing the guitar, okay, maybe that salary does come in handy with the amount of Birckenstocks he probably owns.

3. Change first name - he was named after a “freethinker” brother of his mother’s whom she once described as “the original beatnik.” Also, the quotes in that link kind of make me want to go watch porn, eat beef jerky, smoke cigars and drink some Natty in order to counteract the stuff I just read.

Basically, Barry, follow these 3 steps, go watch some Denis Leary comedy and take it seriously.

Along with staisfying my hunger, this story also reminded me of a few other ridiculous injuries from the past couple years. Check some other classics at these two places 1 and 2

Here’s Jeff Kent staying country in San Fran back in 2002, as he broke his wrist washing his truck that had a lift kit.

Adam Eaton of the Padres missed a start in 2001 after stabbing himself in the stomach while trying to open a new cd.

How about Joel Zumaya making like a 12 year old and injuring himself by playing too much Guitar Hero.

My favorite injury however would have to be the mishap that occurred in the Jacksonville Jaguars locker room in 2003. In Jack Del Rio first season he used the slogan “Keep Chopping Wood” which included the introduction of an ax and stump in the locker room as a symbol. Punter, yes punter, Chris Hanson found this to be an appropriate venue to do some actual chopping like something out of the Great Outdoor Games (they really are great). While weilding the ax, Hanson mistakenly gashed his kicking foot requiring surgery, stiches and 4-6 weeks off the field. Del Rio should just be happy that Ax Men wasn’t on back in ’03, might have given them too many ideas, namely John Henderson.