1. Darlene from Roseanne (Sara Gilbert) / Kyle Orton – They can call them “the Muff and the Scruff.” They were made for each other as she grew up in the fictional Lanford, Illinois and you cannot forget old Dan Connor constantly wearing those Bears sweatshirts. Darlene was always into that short little guy who’s on Big Bang Theory now, so it is definitely time for her to meet a real man, especially an alpha male such as Kyle Orton and his neckbeard.  Orton would definitely be into the white trash type as he has previously shown with his alcoholic beverage choices. Anyway, these two would obviously be in the running to be featured on the next season of My Big Red Neck Wedding.

2. Ellen Degeneres / Steve Nash – Being probably the most lesbian out of this entire group, I would imagine Ellen to be matched up with one of the most feminine looking athletes on the face of the Earth. She would definitely go for the “euro” haircuts and might even be able to give him a few pointers on his Vitamin Water ads. They both also seem to be at the top of their respective games and would obviously become a pop culture power couple for the ages. I’m thinking this would be the perfect combo for a Will and Grace -esque sitcom.

3. Melissa Etheridge / Barry Zito – This seems to be a match made in heaven when it comes to the shared love of guitars. Also, It is very easy to see Zito hitting rock bottom after the past few miserable seasons. I imagine him becoming a modern day David Crosby, mustache and all. Crosby also just so happens to be the creator of the sperm that artificially inseminated Etheridge’s girlfriend on a number of occasions. Let me set the scene for you, Zito staying in San Fran, refusing to sign with another team so that he can play his guitar in coffee shops across the city. Zito’s featured song, a cover of Etheridge’s biggest hit, which he cleverly titles “I Cum In Her Window.”

10.  Baseball Writers’ Association of America (BBWA)

The BBWA has the proud distinction of selecting who makes the Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown, arguably the most exclusive of all of the hall of fame’s in America.  Unfortunately, the BBWA is filled with clowns who follow some ass backwards rules- namely that some of them refuse to vote for guys on the ballot the first time.  The requirements for the hall states that 75% of voters must vote for a player….in the history of Major League Baseball no man has ever received 100% of the votes (Tom Seaver came the closest with 98.84%).  Babe Ruth even missed out on 11 votes!

9.  The NHL in Warm Weather Climates

The NHL use to be great.  Use to be.  Until it decided to expand to places where hockey was a foreign word.  Until the NHL gets rid of Atlanta, Columbus (not warm weather, but seriously Columbus?), Tampa Bay, Florida, Phoenix,  and two of the California teams, I will not care.  There should be a rule that says if you can’t get a ski rental and go skiing in your town (or nearby), you should not have a hockey team. Unless it brings back the Whalers or the Nordiques, the two teams with the best unis in the sport.

Classy...

8.  College Bowl Games

What do the San Diego County Credit Union, Papajohns.com, Roady’s,  and Gaylord Hotels all have in common?  They all sponsored bowl games, of which there are now 34 of, meaning 68 teams get to play in the college postseason (56.6% of teams in FBS).  Meanwhile,  97 teams out of 347 (27%) go to the basketball postseason in some form in college basketball (NIT included).  Bowl games used to mean something….now they mean a potential trip to Boise or Shreveport.

We're going to Idaho!

7. The Heavyweight Champion(s)

It would be great to see boxing make a return to the limelight.  Especially the heavyweight division.  But with currently 4 different men being recognized as the heavyweight champ by 5 different organizations, this isn’t going to happen anytime soon.

In the meantime, four men on the Medifast diet and exercise regimens can continue training.

6. Erin Andrews Lack of Naked Pictures

How this has not happened yet is beyond me.  If this ever does come to happen, I’m convinced the Internet will blow up.

Something special

Erin Andrews is definitely a woman who has never needed a liquid diet or Medifast coupon in her life.

5. Bill Raftery does not Call the Final Four

Good news: Bill Packer is out.  Bad news: the most entertaining man in college basketball probably still won’t get the chance to call the Final Four and yell “Onions!” every time Mario Chalmers hits a 3 in the final seconds…

Side note: Imagine Gus Johnson alongside Bill calling anything…the could make the World Scrabble Championships must viewing…some one take this idea to ESPN before they give Jim Rome more air time….

4. Sportswriters

I thank the Internet and ESPN for killing the world of sportswriting.  Granted there are some very good ones still out there- Mike Wilbon and Rick Reilly- but there are also the likes of Jim Rome, every member of Around the Horn, Scoop Jackson and whoever else ESPN deems to be loud, obnoxious, idiotic and perfect to put on television.  Most of these guys are nothing more than wannabe jocks who are still pissed about being cut from the basketball team in tenth grade.  But unlike MJ, it didn’t drive them to be better athletes, rather it just made them want to sit on the sidelines and thrown stones.  Grantland Rice must roll in his grave everytime Jay Mariotti talks…

3.  No Sports Team in Las Vegas

Las Vegas is one of the greatest places on Earth.  It is adult Disneyland.  When guys win the Super Bowl they should say “I’m going to the Spearmint Rhino!” instead of the damn Disneyland line.  Can you imagine a sports team in Vegas…mainly an NBA team.  They would easily go 38-3 at home every year, cause every other team would be so hungover/still drunk from the previous night.  Even better idea: make the Vegas team all rookies for it’s expansion year.  They would win maybe 5 games all year, but the TV show that would follow the team could make for great entertianment.  Get me ESPN on the phone cause I smell an Emmy for Best Reality TV Show…

Where real celebrations take place...

2. 8 PM games that start closer to 8:30

If you live on the West Coast this is probably not that big of a problem, but where the majority of the country lives, this is something that is getting out of hand.  Monday Night Football starts close to 9:20 PM now and does not end until midnight.  The World Series, NBA Finals and Stanley Cup are all decided between 11 and 12 at night.  The biggest college football game of the week is the Saturday Night game…if I’ve been drinking all day at my normal pace I’m passed out by the second quarter.  Maybe it is just getting older, but these late games suck.

1. Joe Buck

Randy Moss’ “disgusting  act.”  His smugness.  His glasses.  The fact that he called games for the Cardinals.  He got his B.A. in English (alright I’m reaching for reasons to not like the guy, but honestly, nobody likes him so who cares).  The fact that some of the biggest games in my lifetime I’ve had to suffer through him calling them (D-Backs/Yankees Series; McGwire’s 62nd HR; the Red Sox winning the World Series) .  And his calling of this year’s World Series, where my hometown Phillies ended Billy Penn’s Curse, and all the jackass could talk about the whole series was the amazing season of the Rays and for some reason the Red Sox, who were home watching the series.  I admit, I just don’t like the jerkface, hence he takes this spot.

Grade A Weenie...

Here is a response to one e-mail we received in response to this post:

Dear Will,

First off I would like to thank you for the opinion and the grammar tips because they will be extremely helpful in the future. As you can see throughout your journey through the serenity of This is God Given, we make very little attempt to do legitimate sportswriting. I am basically just looking for you to smirk or chuckle to yourself as I use some terribly unwitty metaphor in describing a certain development in the sports world. I am ecstatic that you see me as annoying and encourages me to continue with my unholy antics. In summation, is that correct structure? Anyway, go read some Anne Coulter and deep throat yourself, hardass.

Sincerely,

This is God Given

On Thu, Jan 15, 2009 at 2:22 PM, Will Owen <exsquidwo@yahoo.com> wrote:

4. Sportswriters

Fanhouse – Tiger Woods’ Caddie Tells Stories Of Phil Mickelson’s Man Boobs

Cuzgoogle – Now Playing: Forgetting Sam Mitchell

PSAMP – Rick Tocchet Is, And Never Was, Smart

Moondog – Why I Hate Marko Jaric

Tailgating Ideas – Layla Kiffin Looks Like A Porn Star

Hugging Harold Reynolds – Q-Tip to Leitch: Yo, What The Scenario

Awful Announcing – Wilbon: “Threesomes Keep It Interesting”

FanDome – Barry Sanders Has A Son…

Busted Coverage – Cuff ‘Em: Top 20 Sports Related Arrests of 2008

Mr. Irrelevant – Wait, The Redskins Had An Actual Mascot

Empty the Bench – The NBA’s Most Depressing Players of 2008-09

The Sports Culture – The Many Gang Sings of OJ Mayo

Big League Stew – Dave Parker And The Greatest Shirt In The History Of Shirts

Gunaxin – The All-Whitey Basketball Team

Alana G – The REAL Shaq Is Really Twittering

The World of Isaac – Stacy Keibler Vs. Blair O’Neal

FanIQ – Denver Nuggets Cheerleader Makes Announcers Go Speechless

Blaze of Love – The NBA Ugly List

Yardbarker – Sheed’s Nicknames For His Teammates

Pittsburgh Sports And Miniature Ponies – Sydney Crosby Is Good At Soccer, Too